Dear Dogs

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two dogs in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note, placing a pawprint in the middle of
my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by Nascar and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than
you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at
videos of dogs sleeping, they can actually curl up in
a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to
each other stretched out to the fullest extent
possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out
and having tongues hanging out the other end to
maximize space used is nothing but doggy sarcasm.

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit through the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years, canine attendance
is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell other dogs
butt. I can not stress this enough. It would be such a
simple change for you guys to make.

I love it!! That is HILARIOUS!