Woody
03-31-2005, 04:25 PM
TOYS "R" US
I think as dog owners we are always on the lookout for the next, best, greatest toy for our pups. Nothing is too good, too expensive or called something so stupid that we won't buy it for our dogs. Honestly, I think we should receive some sort of government grant in order to finance this on-going quest because we spend a lot of time, research and analysis in this pursuit. And it's not because we have money to burn or because we believe in excess or because we are trying to keep up with the spoiled Saluki next door who gets all her toys at FAO Schwartz. No, it's because we want our dogs to leave us alone. For the love of god, please go away and entertain yourself for five minutes. Stop dropping that spit-soaked tennis ball on my feet, no I don't want to "herd up" Wally, stop bossing me around to play tug o' war with your Kong-on-a-rope and please learn to toss that stick by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I love playing with Newman but, geez, paint me green and let me introduce you to my pony pal Pokey too, because you could stretch my right arm around a Volkswagon. The inherent problem with owning a lab is that they have inexhaustible energy and humans, by comparison, are garden slugs. A variation of the instructions on a shampoo bottle should be tattoo'd on a lab…"throw, return, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat" until your appendage is a Slinky.
When Newman was eight weeks old I, of course, stocked up on plush toys. Soft, cuddly animal toys that he could snuggle with and think they were his littermates. And, naturally, the toy should squeak and squawk like a parrot being poked with a stick so that it piques your dog's curiosity and propels you one step closer to wanting the peace and tranquility of a drum set. Newman's personal stuffed zoo consisted of a pink elephant, a purple hippo, a giraffe, a puppy, a turtle and an accordion-like snake. Of course it's not enough to simply buy these toys for our pups, but we then feel compelled to give them ridiculous nick-names to make them sound cute and appealing to our dog even though he/she is language impaired. The same toys mentioned above were quickly renamed to be Mr. Pinky, Hippo Marx, Laughy Giraffey, PuppyPants, Turtle Wax and Jake the Sssssssnake. Frolicking in my backyard this summer with Newman, I know I sounded like a high octave crazy person: "Newman, where's Mr. Pinky? Where is he? Find Mr. Pinky! Get Hippo Marx, get him!! Save PuppyPants from the pool, I'm gonna get Laughy Giraffey, I'm gonna get him!!" What highlights this absurdity is that I have just capitalized their names as if they're all going to receive a driver's license. Newman, of course, tired of these simplistic toys because he's a lab. Squeaky toys amuse him much in the same way that Ashton Kutcher amuses Demi Moore. They're cute, brainless, temporary fun for as long as a 3-minute egg and then you ignore them once their purpose has been served. I feel the same way about peasant blouses.
We then graduated to "educational" toys. These are designed to stimulate your dog's mind and keep him occupied while he's in his crate or cordoned off in another room. I'm not sure if these toy designers actually OWN dogs, but I can assure them that the only thoughts going through my dog's mind are things like "ambush Wally", "hide all slippers", "demolish crystal vase", "annihilate lamp cords", "seek and destroy house flies", "wipe slobber on Donna Karan silk pants", "sneeze on fresh manicure". Dogs think in short, monosyllabic sentences. They are not going to be able to decipher something like "propel circular globe transversely through foyer to facilitate expulsion of dehydrated beef products for entertainment and consumption". To make this marketable for us gullible pet owners, they call this a Tricky Treat Ball, a BusterCube or a Molecule Ball….oddly shaped balls that have secret compartments that will dispel treats when your dog rolls it around or tosses it in the air. My goodness…..Newman is a lab, not Steven Hawkings. He is mesmerized by an ice cube on the floor for pete's sake, he does not need to grasp quantum physics in order to inhale a liver treat.
In the "you've got to be kidding me" category, there are toys that will talk to your dog. The "Talk to Me Treat Ball" is a plastic, battery-operated ball where you can actually record a message for your dog and when he rolls it along the floor, your message is activated and he hears your voice. The advertisement for this stupendous invention suggests recording messages like "good boy!", "want a bone?", "shake a paw" and "how's my girl?". So now, not only can your dog ignore you, but he can also ignore you in absentia as well. This Joan Rivers mouthpiece of a ball is advantageous to your dog because if he doesn't like what you're "saying", he can roll the ball down the laundry chute or behind the furnace until it melts. I'm an inquisitive gal, so I had to investigate this toy. My loving message recorded for my dog went something like this: "NEWMAN! Get your brown butt off that couch right now and put the Cracker Barrel cheese back where you found it. If I am so much as missing a sock when I get home, you can just kiss the rest of the "Pet Star" season goodbye. Wally better not have any more bald spots, mister, and for the umpteenth time those are not dog treats in that bowl, it's called pot pourri. Now put my Laura Ashley pillow back where you found it and go lay on your mat until February!". I got home from work that day and the "Talk to Me Ball" was now the "Try and Put Me Back Together Ball".
There are hundreds of toys out there that make all kinds of noise. They moo, ribbit, bark, meow, squeak, whinney and rattle. I made a tactical mistake one day and asked Dave to bring home a new dog toy because Newman had pulled a Hannibal Lecter on his Sherpa Crinkler Octopus. Dave went to the pet supply store next to his office and came home with a hedgehog that toots. It is really more than I can bear to live in an all-male household where the inhabitants are constantly expelling bad air. Now I also have to live with stuffed animals that imitate the noise of gas. And to add insult to injury, Dave has taught Newman how to give a "high five" after these proud moments.
I then tried a very uncomplicated, but energetic toy….the Frisbee. I attempted to engage Newman in this tiring duet of activity, but he was quite unimpressed with the whole procedure. I think he kept mistaking the Frisbee for a plate and he would look at me with his head cocked as if to say "unless you're going to put food on that thing, get it away from me".
Let me save you a lot of time, research, money and frustration in your pursuit of indestructible dog toys by allowing me to share with you what has worked for us. Put some pennies in an empty plastic Coke bottle and screw the top back on tight. Newman thought this was the Holy Grail itself and he sounded like a Las Vegas slot machine as he ran around the backyard. Shine a flashlight on the floor and let him chase the spotlight. This is not only amusing, but it will also erase any proud parental beliefs you had about your dog being gifted. And finally, when all else fails, grab your dog's tail and show it to him. After spending hundreds of dollars on toys, scouring the city for something unique and writing a thesis on "alluring dog toys" I have discovered that Newman just wants to chase his *** in a circle. I think I'll buy another Talk to Me Ball and have it say "run, Forrest, run!"
Dee Clair
Calgary, Alberta
I think as dog owners we are always on the lookout for the next, best, greatest toy for our pups. Nothing is too good, too expensive or called something so stupid that we won't buy it for our dogs. Honestly, I think we should receive some sort of government grant in order to finance this on-going quest because we spend a lot of time, research and analysis in this pursuit. And it's not because we have money to burn or because we believe in excess or because we are trying to keep up with the spoiled Saluki next door who gets all her toys at FAO Schwartz. No, it's because we want our dogs to leave us alone. For the love of god, please go away and entertain yourself for five minutes. Stop dropping that spit-soaked tennis ball on my feet, no I don't want to "herd up" Wally, stop bossing me around to play tug o' war with your Kong-on-a-rope and please learn to toss that stick by yourself. Don't get me wrong, I love playing with Newman but, geez, paint me green and let me introduce you to my pony pal Pokey too, because you could stretch my right arm around a Volkswagon. The inherent problem with owning a lab is that they have inexhaustible energy and humans, by comparison, are garden slugs. A variation of the instructions on a shampoo bottle should be tattoo'd on a lab…"throw, return, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat, repeat" until your appendage is a Slinky.
When Newman was eight weeks old I, of course, stocked up on plush toys. Soft, cuddly animal toys that he could snuggle with and think they were his littermates. And, naturally, the toy should squeak and squawk like a parrot being poked with a stick so that it piques your dog's curiosity and propels you one step closer to wanting the peace and tranquility of a drum set. Newman's personal stuffed zoo consisted of a pink elephant, a purple hippo, a giraffe, a puppy, a turtle and an accordion-like snake. Of course it's not enough to simply buy these toys for our pups, but we then feel compelled to give them ridiculous nick-names to make them sound cute and appealing to our dog even though he/she is language impaired. The same toys mentioned above were quickly renamed to be Mr. Pinky, Hippo Marx, Laughy Giraffey, PuppyPants, Turtle Wax and Jake the Sssssssnake. Frolicking in my backyard this summer with Newman, I know I sounded like a high octave crazy person: "Newman, where's Mr. Pinky? Where is he? Find Mr. Pinky! Get Hippo Marx, get him!! Save PuppyPants from the pool, I'm gonna get Laughy Giraffey, I'm gonna get him!!" What highlights this absurdity is that I have just capitalized their names as if they're all going to receive a driver's license. Newman, of course, tired of these simplistic toys because he's a lab. Squeaky toys amuse him much in the same way that Ashton Kutcher amuses Demi Moore. They're cute, brainless, temporary fun for as long as a 3-minute egg and then you ignore them once their purpose has been served. I feel the same way about peasant blouses.
We then graduated to "educational" toys. These are designed to stimulate your dog's mind and keep him occupied while he's in his crate or cordoned off in another room. I'm not sure if these toy designers actually OWN dogs, but I can assure them that the only thoughts going through my dog's mind are things like "ambush Wally", "hide all slippers", "demolish crystal vase", "annihilate lamp cords", "seek and destroy house flies", "wipe slobber on Donna Karan silk pants", "sneeze on fresh manicure". Dogs think in short, monosyllabic sentences. They are not going to be able to decipher something like "propel circular globe transversely through foyer to facilitate expulsion of dehydrated beef products for entertainment and consumption". To make this marketable for us gullible pet owners, they call this a Tricky Treat Ball, a BusterCube or a Molecule Ball….oddly shaped balls that have secret compartments that will dispel treats when your dog rolls it around or tosses it in the air. My goodness…..Newman is a lab, not Steven Hawkings. He is mesmerized by an ice cube on the floor for pete's sake, he does not need to grasp quantum physics in order to inhale a liver treat.
In the "you've got to be kidding me" category, there are toys that will talk to your dog. The "Talk to Me Treat Ball" is a plastic, battery-operated ball where you can actually record a message for your dog and when he rolls it along the floor, your message is activated and he hears your voice. The advertisement for this stupendous invention suggests recording messages like "good boy!", "want a bone?", "shake a paw" and "how's my girl?". So now, not only can your dog ignore you, but he can also ignore you in absentia as well. This Joan Rivers mouthpiece of a ball is advantageous to your dog because if he doesn't like what you're "saying", he can roll the ball down the laundry chute or behind the furnace until it melts. I'm an inquisitive gal, so I had to investigate this toy. My loving message recorded for my dog went something like this: "NEWMAN! Get your brown butt off that couch right now and put the Cracker Barrel cheese back where you found it. If I am so much as missing a sock when I get home, you can just kiss the rest of the "Pet Star" season goodbye. Wally better not have any more bald spots, mister, and for the umpteenth time those are not dog treats in that bowl, it's called pot pourri. Now put my Laura Ashley pillow back where you found it and go lay on your mat until February!". I got home from work that day and the "Talk to Me Ball" was now the "Try and Put Me Back Together Ball".
There are hundreds of toys out there that make all kinds of noise. They moo, ribbit, bark, meow, squeak, whinney and rattle. I made a tactical mistake one day and asked Dave to bring home a new dog toy because Newman had pulled a Hannibal Lecter on his Sherpa Crinkler Octopus. Dave went to the pet supply store next to his office and came home with a hedgehog that toots. It is really more than I can bear to live in an all-male household where the inhabitants are constantly expelling bad air. Now I also have to live with stuffed animals that imitate the noise of gas. And to add insult to injury, Dave has taught Newman how to give a "high five" after these proud moments.
I then tried a very uncomplicated, but energetic toy….the Frisbee. I attempted to engage Newman in this tiring duet of activity, but he was quite unimpressed with the whole procedure. I think he kept mistaking the Frisbee for a plate and he would look at me with his head cocked as if to say "unless you're going to put food on that thing, get it away from me".
Let me save you a lot of time, research, money and frustration in your pursuit of indestructible dog toys by allowing me to share with you what has worked for us. Put some pennies in an empty plastic Coke bottle and screw the top back on tight. Newman thought this was the Holy Grail itself and he sounded like a Las Vegas slot machine as he ran around the backyard. Shine a flashlight on the floor and let him chase the spotlight. This is not only amusing, but it will also erase any proud parental beliefs you had about your dog being gifted. And finally, when all else fails, grab your dog's tail and show it to him. After spending hundreds of dollars on toys, scouring the city for something unique and writing a thesis on "alluring dog toys" I have discovered that Newman just wants to chase his *** in a circle. I think I'll buy another Talk to Me Ball and have it say "run, Forrest, run!"
Dee Clair
Calgary, Alberta