Woody
04-13-2005, 03:40 AM
My First Christmas
by Newman
My personal valet, Dee, who usually writes these columns, said that she needed some time to "re-think" and "re-evaluate" why she ever acquired a Lab. I'm not really sure what that means, but it can't be good because she's laying on the couch with a bag of ice cubes on her head. I thought maybe she would toss me a few pieces of the "hard water" so I could chase it around the linoleum doing my Jerry Lewis imitation, but she said I couldn't until hell also turned into hard water. Her tone was the same as when I play Bowling for Wally, so I think she's mad at me again. So I will tell you all about my very first Christmas with my humans. Well, first of all, mom now calls it ChristMESS because she said I made a BIG one. Geez, you knock over a candle with your tail and set a nativity scene on fire and all of a sudden you're labelled forever.
Christmess certainly is a strange holiday and I can't quite make any sense out of it, but there are some definite perks that I really loved. First, I didn't have to go outside to pee because dad brought in this huge tree and placed it right in the living room. However, mom just about burst a blood vessel in her forehead whenever she caught me watering it, so I learned to do this inconspicuously like whenever I put Wally's tail in the door. She THINKS I did it, but she can't prove it. After dad graciously brought the peeing post inside, they put all kinds of funny things on it that looked like the gaudy earrings on "girls of the night". And they put some shiny, stringy stuff on the tree as well called "tinsel" that I can guarantee you should not be eaten. Mom called me "Sparkle Bum" after a particular episode in the backyard where I resembled a pasta machine churning out silver spaghetti. It is very dangerous to eat the "tinsel" and all dogs should also stay away from things called "Turtles", "Hedgehogs", "Pot of Gold", "Truffles" and "Godiva". I'm not too sure why WE have to avoid these confections because mom certainly consumed enough of them over the holidays to choke a buffalo.
The second thing I liked about Christmess was the travel. On Christmess Eve, I got to go to Aunt Paula's house where there was a whole pack of humans, five children and Aunt Paula's ****-soo, Murphy. Murphy's quite a bit smaller than me, and it's kind of like playing with a mop, but we became good buddies nonetheless. Also at Aunt Paula's are two cats named Romeo and Juliet. I thought I had escaped that species for the evening, but I attempted to be friendly by licking Romeo's head. HE certainly did not live up to his Shakespearean name because he did his Zorro impersonation on my face and I now look like Scar from The Lion King. I don't mind it so much, but mom keeps smooching my nose and calling me Al Pacino.
There was more travel on Christmess day when we went to dad's parents' house where there were mostly the same humans as the night before, as well as Murphy. The Edward Scissorhands of felines was left at home, thank goodness, so Murphy and I were the centre of attention, which is truly the only centre that Labs are aware of. The best thing about Christmess is all the yummy food that gets passed around. Murphy and I were nicknamed Electrolux and Hoover, which must be really funny because the humans laughed every time we went under the table and inhaled bits of turkey, ham and stuffing. Grandma must be really clumsy because she dropped turkey all the time at her feet until dad told her to cut it out.
The humans have these really odd items called "presents" that are wrapped in really colourful paper and then the paper is torn into shreds and thrown about the room. It makes quite the mess, but nobody seems to mind and the big humans even seem to encourage the little humans to do it. The rationale of this is truly confusing because I did this very thing with one of mom's sofa pillows and I was banished for a time out in the laundry room. It LOOKED like it was wrapped in Christmess paper. One thing I didn't like was something the 4-year olds called "decorate the dog". On the gifts are things called "bows" and Sidney and Kyle stuck them all over my body and called me pretty boy. I resembled a disco ball and it really hurt when mom plucked them off and it looked like somebody had shaved my body with a butter knife.
I got into especially big trouble after the paper shredding ceremony was over and all the presents were left under the tree. Dad received something called a "Tommy Bahama" golf shirt and he said it was fine silk. Well, I've never tried fine silk before, so I ate a fair portion of it and learned that dad has a real mean streak when it comes to his golf equipment, accessories and clothing. What is the most puzzling to me is that mom and dad are so difficult to train. I'm not sure how many shirts, shoes, pillows, socks and underwear I have to destroy before they learn not to leave me alone with prized possessions. I suppose routine and repetitive behaviour on my part is all I can do and one day when they finally "get it", I will toss them some liver snaps and rub their bellies.
And the best perk of Christmess is called a "stocking". When mom and dad got up that morning, they gave me a big red sock filled with my favourite things and they let me open everything myself! Once I got my head in the sock, I couldn't get it out and I looked like a scarlet elephant. I couldn't see where I was going and that's when mom flashed a bright light and said it was a "Kodak moment", whatever that is. All in all, I really enjoyed Christmess but mom said that because next Christmess we will be in our new house, I'm going to be exiled to the K-E-N-N-E-L, which isn't so bad because I'm pretty sure that spells pull-out sofa bed.
Happy New Year everyone!
Newman
by Newman
My personal valet, Dee, who usually writes these columns, said that she needed some time to "re-think" and "re-evaluate" why she ever acquired a Lab. I'm not really sure what that means, but it can't be good because she's laying on the couch with a bag of ice cubes on her head. I thought maybe she would toss me a few pieces of the "hard water" so I could chase it around the linoleum doing my Jerry Lewis imitation, but she said I couldn't until hell also turned into hard water. Her tone was the same as when I play Bowling for Wally, so I think she's mad at me again. So I will tell you all about my very first Christmas with my humans. Well, first of all, mom now calls it ChristMESS because she said I made a BIG one. Geez, you knock over a candle with your tail and set a nativity scene on fire and all of a sudden you're labelled forever.
Christmess certainly is a strange holiday and I can't quite make any sense out of it, but there are some definite perks that I really loved. First, I didn't have to go outside to pee because dad brought in this huge tree and placed it right in the living room. However, mom just about burst a blood vessel in her forehead whenever she caught me watering it, so I learned to do this inconspicuously like whenever I put Wally's tail in the door. She THINKS I did it, but she can't prove it. After dad graciously brought the peeing post inside, they put all kinds of funny things on it that looked like the gaudy earrings on "girls of the night". And they put some shiny, stringy stuff on the tree as well called "tinsel" that I can guarantee you should not be eaten. Mom called me "Sparkle Bum" after a particular episode in the backyard where I resembled a pasta machine churning out silver spaghetti. It is very dangerous to eat the "tinsel" and all dogs should also stay away from things called "Turtles", "Hedgehogs", "Pot of Gold", "Truffles" and "Godiva". I'm not too sure why WE have to avoid these confections because mom certainly consumed enough of them over the holidays to choke a buffalo.
The second thing I liked about Christmess was the travel. On Christmess Eve, I got to go to Aunt Paula's house where there was a whole pack of humans, five children and Aunt Paula's ****-soo, Murphy. Murphy's quite a bit smaller than me, and it's kind of like playing with a mop, but we became good buddies nonetheless. Also at Aunt Paula's are two cats named Romeo and Juliet. I thought I had escaped that species for the evening, but I attempted to be friendly by licking Romeo's head. HE certainly did not live up to his Shakespearean name because he did his Zorro impersonation on my face and I now look like Scar from The Lion King. I don't mind it so much, but mom keeps smooching my nose and calling me Al Pacino.
There was more travel on Christmess day when we went to dad's parents' house where there were mostly the same humans as the night before, as well as Murphy. The Edward Scissorhands of felines was left at home, thank goodness, so Murphy and I were the centre of attention, which is truly the only centre that Labs are aware of. The best thing about Christmess is all the yummy food that gets passed around. Murphy and I were nicknamed Electrolux and Hoover, which must be really funny because the humans laughed every time we went under the table and inhaled bits of turkey, ham and stuffing. Grandma must be really clumsy because she dropped turkey all the time at her feet until dad told her to cut it out.
The humans have these really odd items called "presents" that are wrapped in really colourful paper and then the paper is torn into shreds and thrown about the room. It makes quite the mess, but nobody seems to mind and the big humans even seem to encourage the little humans to do it. The rationale of this is truly confusing because I did this very thing with one of mom's sofa pillows and I was banished for a time out in the laundry room. It LOOKED like it was wrapped in Christmess paper. One thing I didn't like was something the 4-year olds called "decorate the dog". On the gifts are things called "bows" and Sidney and Kyle stuck them all over my body and called me pretty boy. I resembled a disco ball and it really hurt when mom plucked them off and it looked like somebody had shaved my body with a butter knife.
I got into especially big trouble after the paper shredding ceremony was over and all the presents were left under the tree. Dad received something called a "Tommy Bahama" golf shirt and he said it was fine silk. Well, I've never tried fine silk before, so I ate a fair portion of it and learned that dad has a real mean streak when it comes to his golf equipment, accessories and clothing. What is the most puzzling to me is that mom and dad are so difficult to train. I'm not sure how many shirts, shoes, pillows, socks and underwear I have to destroy before they learn not to leave me alone with prized possessions. I suppose routine and repetitive behaviour on my part is all I can do and one day when they finally "get it", I will toss them some liver snaps and rub their bellies.
And the best perk of Christmess is called a "stocking". When mom and dad got up that morning, they gave me a big red sock filled with my favourite things and they let me open everything myself! Once I got my head in the sock, I couldn't get it out and I looked like a scarlet elephant. I couldn't see where I was going and that's when mom flashed a bright light and said it was a "Kodak moment", whatever that is. All in all, I really enjoyed Christmess but mom said that because next Christmess we will be in our new house, I'm going to be exiled to the K-E-N-N-E-L, which isn't so bad because I'm pretty sure that spells pull-out sofa bed.
Happy New Year everyone!
Newman