calgarygirl
05-19-2005, 09:20 AM
LIFE WITH NEWMAN – YOUR FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD DRUGSTORE
I consider myself to be a fairly healthy person. I am blessed with good health, which I never take for granted, and I try to keep the whining to a minimum. However, I have been plagued with migraines my entire life and I'm not sure if that's a hereditary affliction or a by-product of the men I've chosen to associate with. In any event, anyone who suffers from migraines knows that it is not simply an aching head that I get. When I say that I have a "headache", what I really mean is that I have the talons of 50 bald eagles digging into my scalp, preparing me for lift-off. When I say to Dave "not tonight, honey, I have a headache" he knows that what I'm really saying is "not tonight, honey, I have razor-like shrapnel in my skull from the remains of a shattered bus shelter and I can't see". They're not always that intense; sometimes it's like listening to William Shatner sing, but pain is pain and it should be empathized. Last week I found myself at home in bed with a pounding noggin' and it occurred to me that Newman is like an all-in-one pharmacy that doesn't require a prescription.
He's a water bottle. Once a month, most women can be found to be as pleasant and welcoming as the drooling, enraged monster that springs forth from Kane's stomach at the end of "Alien". There is no equivalent that I can use to explain to a man what CRAMPS feel like. It's hard to describe authentic pain to a gender that can be incapacitated by a paper cut. When I find myself curled up on my side in bed, moaning like a wounded animal, Newman will curl himself up and lay right in the semi-circle of my stomach and his warmth automatically relaxes me. It is probably the one and only time I don't mind waking up and looking like Sasquatch shaved his back on my duvet.
He's a kleenex. When the pain gets to be too much and I would rather play golf in an electrical storm than endure one more minute of agony, the tears will flow and Newman's soft, silky head is the equivalent of a Scottie tissue. Tears are confusing to a dog, as are sobbing, heaving and the hiccups. They look at us like we're going to detonate and our bodily spasms are some sort of bizarre human countdown. But Newman will let me cry into his fur until he is soggy like an infant's diaper and I consider it to be retribution for the numerous pairs of pants he has ruined with slobber, after-drinking chin rests on my thigh and projectile sneezing. A good head rub along the length of the new chaise lounge in our bedroom and he's dry again like my insatiable Alberta skin.
He's a salve/antiseptic. Although it can be debated on both sides, it is generally accepted that a dog's mouth is more sanitary than a human's. I, for one, have to question the validity of this due to the fact that Newman uses his tongue as a shower puff and also as toilet paper. But for the sake of argument, let's say that a canine's mouth is cleaner than a human's PRIOR to said canine capturing a gopher and presenting it at your feet as a shining example of his hunting prowess. In that instance, when your dog licks a scraped knee, stubbed toe or self-inflicted kitchen knife wound, I like to think that it is a better remedy than rubbing alcohol or Bactine. Dave feels compelled to interject here that his mouth contains more germs than Newman's mouth if he has just eaten my chicken and eggplant casserole surprise. Dave's profile can now be found at lookingforamate.com.
He's a psychiatrist. The one skill that male Homo sapiens have NOT learned over the course of evolution is how to LISTEN. This trait would certainly make them more appealing to females. Gentlemen, you are NOT listening to us if you are simultaneously watching Monday Night Football and having a conference call with your buddies debating whether Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. Being able to parrot what we just said also does not qualify as "listening". I may have just announced that "I'm tired" but what you're not hearing is that "I'm sick and tired of your Neanderthal behaviour that dictates that I should clean up after you, pick up after you, feed you, launder your clothes, chauffeur the kids and tolerate your mother. NOW GET YOUR LAZY *** OFF THE COUCH AND POUR ME A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE I START SHREDDING YOUR CLOTHES WITH A CHEESE GRATER." Ahem. Newman, however, is an accomplished listener and understands the complexity of the female psyche, the struggles we face with societal definition of who and what we should be, our inner battles with our external manifestation, our self-defeating behaviours precipitated by our over-bearing mothers and our obsessive and constant crusade for unattainable Superwoman status. Newman has earnestly digested these narcissistic soliloquies and he has the same solution for each psychosis. Let's have a cookie.
He is an anti-depressant and an ADD remedy. I firmly believe that our society has an over-consumption of pills. We can take a pill to clear up our bronchitis or to acquire the perfect tan. I personally think that this is what ancient medicine men had in mind when they were trying to cure the sick…..let's advance our profession through the centuries so that we can ingest a pill that makes us turn orange. And thanks to celebrity consumption, the "must-haves" in an evening bag are now Vicodin, Fentanyl and Percocet. What physicians should be prescribing for everyone on the planet is a dog. Not only would this solve the canine over-population problem, but it would also ensure that Jim Carrey gets off my last remaining nerve. It is statistically proven that people with dogs are calmer, happier and live longer lives. And the only instance where that last part is a detriment is that Paris Hilton will live to be 100.
It is important to take good care of your health. We are only given this one body to last us a lifetime and it is very hard to come by spare parts. Here are my basic recommendations for your overall wellbeing: Eat well, sleep well, don't smoke, drink in moderation unless you're at an open bar, exercise regularly or at least watch it twice a week on television and take your vitamins. But to GUARANTEE your good health, take two Labrador Retrievers and call me in the morning.
Dee Clair
Calgary, Alberta
I consider myself to be a fairly healthy person. I am blessed with good health, which I never take for granted, and I try to keep the whining to a minimum. However, I have been plagued with migraines my entire life and I'm not sure if that's a hereditary affliction or a by-product of the men I've chosen to associate with. In any event, anyone who suffers from migraines knows that it is not simply an aching head that I get. When I say that I have a "headache", what I really mean is that I have the talons of 50 bald eagles digging into my scalp, preparing me for lift-off. When I say to Dave "not tonight, honey, I have a headache" he knows that what I'm really saying is "not tonight, honey, I have razor-like shrapnel in my skull from the remains of a shattered bus shelter and I can't see". They're not always that intense; sometimes it's like listening to William Shatner sing, but pain is pain and it should be empathized. Last week I found myself at home in bed with a pounding noggin' and it occurred to me that Newman is like an all-in-one pharmacy that doesn't require a prescription.
He's a water bottle. Once a month, most women can be found to be as pleasant and welcoming as the drooling, enraged monster that springs forth from Kane's stomach at the end of "Alien". There is no equivalent that I can use to explain to a man what CRAMPS feel like. It's hard to describe authentic pain to a gender that can be incapacitated by a paper cut. When I find myself curled up on my side in bed, moaning like a wounded animal, Newman will curl himself up and lay right in the semi-circle of my stomach and his warmth automatically relaxes me. It is probably the one and only time I don't mind waking up and looking like Sasquatch shaved his back on my duvet.
He's a kleenex. When the pain gets to be too much and I would rather play golf in an electrical storm than endure one more minute of agony, the tears will flow and Newman's soft, silky head is the equivalent of a Scottie tissue. Tears are confusing to a dog, as are sobbing, heaving and the hiccups. They look at us like we're going to detonate and our bodily spasms are some sort of bizarre human countdown. But Newman will let me cry into his fur until he is soggy like an infant's diaper and I consider it to be retribution for the numerous pairs of pants he has ruined with slobber, after-drinking chin rests on my thigh and projectile sneezing. A good head rub along the length of the new chaise lounge in our bedroom and he's dry again like my insatiable Alberta skin.
He's a salve/antiseptic. Although it can be debated on both sides, it is generally accepted that a dog's mouth is more sanitary than a human's. I, for one, have to question the validity of this due to the fact that Newman uses his tongue as a shower puff and also as toilet paper. But for the sake of argument, let's say that a canine's mouth is cleaner than a human's PRIOR to said canine capturing a gopher and presenting it at your feet as a shining example of his hunting prowess. In that instance, when your dog licks a scraped knee, stubbed toe or self-inflicted kitchen knife wound, I like to think that it is a better remedy than rubbing alcohol or Bactine. Dave feels compelled to interject here that his mouth contains more germs than Newman's mouth if he has just eaten my chicken and eggplant casserole surprise. Dave's profile can now be found at lookingforamate.com.
He's a psychiatrist. The one skill that male Homo sapiens have NOT learned over the course of evolution is how to LISTEN. This trait would certainly make them more appealing to females. Gentlemen, you are NOT listening to us if you are simultaneously watching Monday Night Football and having a conference call with your buddies debating whether Tom Brady is the best quarterback of all time. Being able to parrot what we just said also does not qualify as "listening". I may have just announced that "I'm tired" but what you're not hearing is that "I'm sick and tired of your Neanderthal behaviour that dictates that I should clean up after you, pick up after you, feed you, launder your clothes, chauffeur the kids and tolerate your mother. NOW GET YOUR LAZY *** OFF THE COUCH AND POUR ME A GLASS OF WINE BEFORE I START SHREDDING YOUR CLOTHES WITH A CHEESE GRATER." Ahem. Newman, however, is an accomplished listener and understands the complexity of the female psyche, the struggles we face with societal definition of who and what we should be, our inner battles with our external manifestation, our self-defeating behaviours precipitated by our over-bearing mothers and our obsessive and constant crusade for unattainable Superwoman status. Newman has earnestly digested these narcissistic soliloquies and he has the same solution for each psychosis. Let's have a cookie.
He is an anti-depressant and an ADD remedy. I firmly believe that our society has an over-consumption of pills. We can take a pill to clear up our bronchitis or to acquire the perfect tan. I personally think that this is what ancient medicine men had in mind when they were trying to cure the sick…..let's advance our profession through the centuries so that we can ingest a pill that makes us turn orange. And thanks to celebrity consumption, the "must-haves" in an evening bag are now Vicodin, Fentanyl and Percocet. What physicians should be prescribing for everyone on the planet is a dog. Not only would this solve the canine over-population problem, but it would also ensure that Jim Carrey gets off my last remaining nerve. It is statistically proven that people with dogs are calmer, happier and live longer lives. And the only instance where that last part is a detriment is that Paris Hilton will live to be 100.
It is important to take good care of your health. We are only given this one body to last us a lifetime and it is very hard to come by spare parts. Here are my basic recommendations for your overall wellbeing: Eat well, sleep well, don't smoke, drink in moderation unless you're at an open bar, exercise regularly or at least watch it twice a week on television and take your vitamins. But to GUARANTEE your good health, take two Labrador Retrievers and call me in the morning.
Dee Clair
Calgary, Alberta