Feelings of guilt (long) - Labrador Retriever Dogs Chat Forum Board - Dogs, Puppies, Photos, Training, Pictures, Rescue Forums

myblacklab · 02-08-2010, 01:47 PM

So here is a quick backround......

When I was 20 I met this guy whom I was with for 7 years. Finally at almost 7 years he finally proposed! I was so excited and couldn't wait to start planning. He was sick at the time....we didn't know what was wrong with him. He was diagnosed with phnemonia (sp?) the first time and the second time diagnosed with depression (two different doctors).

On his third visit to the doctor (another doctor), he was diagnosed with Non hodgkins Lymphoma. We were in so much shock. We had only been engaged for a couple of months but together 7 years......

5 days after his diagnoses he passed away. 4 of those days he was in a medically induced coma. He was 27 years old.

As you can imagine I was horrified with what had happed and completely distraught.

3 years about after he passed I met someone. Such a wonderful man.....who is now my husband.

Well oddly enough, my husband's birthday is the same exact day that my former fiance' died. (insert oh my god moment here) Yeah! Can you believe it. I couldn't either.

Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of his passing and my husband's 29th birthday.

I have felt so much guilt today that I couldn't be in both places at the same time. I wanted to be with my former fiance's family to celebrate Vinnie's life......but I wanted to be with my husband to celebrate his birthday. I obviously stayed home to be with my husband. But I just feel so guilty that I wasn't at the memorial celebration. What do people think of why I wasn't there.....

The feeling is so hard to explain...... I knew someday would come where i might feel this way. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings.

I guess I just needed to vent.

Thank you so much for letting me.........

Golightly Labs · 02-08-2010, 01:53 PM

Such an awful situation, I am sorry you have been through that! I believe that your former fiance would be so happy that you found love again and would never hold it against you that you didn't spend time with his family. You can say a prayer to him and keep your memories and that will be a great tribute.

Also, hug that gorgeous labby....it always makes me feel better to to that!

Bailey's_Mom · 02-08-2010, 02:24 PM

I'm so sorry for both you and your fiance's family. What a difficult situation too, with the anniversary being your husband's birthday. I don't think there are any easy answers and I suspect that your feelings are very, very, normal. That doesn't really help, though. I'm sure your fiance is happy that you have such a wonderful man in your life. Maybe take some time today to remember him in your own way?

Lots of hugs to you during this difficult time.

Nallah06 · 02-08-2010, 05:56 PM

How incredibly sad.

I can't imagine how hard this must be.

The only advice I can give is what the others said, that your previous fiance would be happy you have found someone to make you happy and loves you. Maybe come up with a ritual that you do on this day to remember and honor him. Whatever that may be. I'm sure his family understands as well, and is happy that you have found love again.

Hang in there.

zach · 02-08-2010, 05:58 PM

Wow, that's a hard one. I hope Vinnie's family understands why you'd want to celebrate your DH's birthday. Is there something you can do to celebrate Vinnie's birthday, instead of the anniversary of his passing?

LucyTudeOn4Feet · 02-08-2010, 06:14 PM

I think that your fiance's family would definitely understand and be happy that you have found love again.
We lost DH's son a few years ago, and his wife recently got remarried, and we were so delighted for her. She's a darling girl and deserves to be happy.
You're young, of course they want you to find happiness and someone to make a family with. You should NOT feel guilty at all.

Quote:

Originally Posted by zach

Is there something you can do to celebrate Vinnie's birthday, instead of the anniversary of his passing?

I think this is an excellent idea. DH's daughter chooses to remember her brother at his birthday rather than the anniversary of his passing. Of course, she has a personal, private remembrance on that day, too.

NorCalLabLuv · 02-08-2010, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by zach

Wow, that's a hard one. I hope Vinnie's family understands why you'd want to celebrate your DH's birthday. Is there something you can do to celebrate Vinnie's birthday, instead of the anniversary of his passing?

I was thinking the same thing.

Hugs to you.

nikkiluvsu15 · 02-08-2010, 06:35 PM

I'm so sorry

I hope they understand. I like the idea that "Zach" recommended though.

Something similar happened to my mom... in a way. She married her high school sweetheart right out of high school at 18. At 19 she had my older brother, then 2 years later she had my sister. When my sister was 8 months old (my brother was 2 years, 8 months) he was killed in a work "accident", they never did figure out if it was an accident or not.

His birthday was just recently and she got together with his sister and mom, I think. They went to his grave I'm pretty sure, at least I know my Meme (his mom) did.

I'm sorry again, but I really hope his family understands.

spruce · 02-08-2010, 06:47 PM

rough - hard to celebrate, when on the same date the world fell apart.

I'm "kinda" similiar -- my lst husband died on 8/24 -- I met my current husband on 5/24. I always considered 24 a bad number and diverted any acknowledgement of us meeting that day
Since they lost Vinnie have they always celebrated his life in the anniversary of his passing? Plus, I think it is wonderful you're still in contact with them.

whitejake · 02-08-2010, 08:11 PM

I think as time passes they do realize that you are moving on. Im sure they would enjoy having you there but understand that as time passes that it may no longer be possible for you to be there. Im sure they would be happy knowing that you are celebrating your dhs birthday. I dont believe that anyone would be so harsh as to hold it against you. We all have our ways of celebrating someones life or mourning their loss and going the next step of living again. Those ways too can change over the years. Maybe you can make that transition easier on yourself and them by calling just before or just after that celebration and letting them know that all of them and Vinnie are in your thoughts. Im so sorry that this was something you had to go through and im sure that day is difficult and trying to find a mid point between that and your dhs day must be bittersweet. Hopefully some one can recommend a good decision you can be happy with.

myblacklab · 02-09-2010, 07:05 AM

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am feeling much better today. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty and I know they are happy for me.

Thanks for all of your good thoughts!

3Muttsketeers · 02-09-2010, 08:54 PM

I'm sorry you had such a rough time.

02-08-2010, 01:47 PM	#1
myblacklab Adult Retriever Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Connecticut Posts: 502 My Mood:	Feelings of guilt (long) So here is a quick backround...... When I was 20 I met this guy whom I was with for 7 years. Finally at almost 7 years he finally proposed! I was so excited and couldn't wait to start planning. He was sick at the time....we didn't know what was wrong with him. He was diagnosed with phnemonia (sp?) the first time and the second time diagnosed with depression (two different doctors). On his third visit to the doctor (another doctor), he was diagnosed with Non hodgkins Lymphoma. We were in so much shock. We had only been engaged for a couple of months but together 7 years...... 5 days after his diagnoses he passed away. 4 of those days he was in a medically induced coma. He was 27 years old. As you can imagine I was horrified with what had happed and completely distraught. 3 years about after he passed I met someone. Such a wonderful man.....who is now my husband. Well oddly enough, my husband's birthday is the same exact day that my former fiance' died. (insert oh my god moment here) Yeah! Can you believe it. I couldn't either. Yesterday was the 5th anniversary of his passing and my husband's 29th birthday. I have felt so much guilt today that I couldn't be in both places at the same time. I wanted to be with my former fiance's family to celebrate Vinnie's life......but I wanted to be with my husband to celebrate his birthday. I obviously stayed home to be with my husband. But I just feel so guilty that I wasn't at the memorial celebration. What do people think of why I wasn't there..... The feeling is so hard to explain...... I knew someday would come where i might feel this way. I just don't know how to deal with these feelings. I guess I just needed to vent. Thank you so much for letting me......... __________________

02-08-2010, 01:53 PM	#2
Golightly Labs In a 12 Step Lab Program Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Philadelphia Posts: 2,732 My Mood:	Such an awful situation, I am sorry you have been through that! I believe that your former fiance would be so happy that you found love again and would never hold it against you that you didn't spend time with his family. You can say a prayer to him and keep your memories and that will be a great tribute. Also, hug that gorgeous labby....it always makes me feel better to to that! __________________ Snow Dog

02-08-2010, 02:24 PM	#3
Bailey's_Mom Senior Dog Join Date: Feb 2008 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,617	I'm so sorry for both you and your fiance's family. What a difficult situation too, with the anniversary being your husband's birthday. I don't think there are any easy answers and I suspect that your feelings are very, very, normal. That doesn't really help, though. I'm sure your fiance is happy that you have such a wonderful man in your life. Maybe take some time today to remember him in your own way? Lots of hugs to you during this difficult time. __________________

02-08-2010, 05:56 PM	#4
Nallah06 & Morgan! Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Wisconsin Posts: 9,290 My Mood:	How incredibly sad. I can't imagine how hard this must be. The only advice I can give is what the others said, that your previous fiance would be happy you have found someone to make you happy and loves you. Maybe come up with a ritual that you do on this day to remember and honor him. Whatever that may be. I'm sure his family understands as well, and is happy that you have found love again. Hang in there. __________________ Nallah Loved by Kelley RetrievaDiva Dock Dog BA PB 18'3" Check out our blog! http://retrievadiva.blogspot.com/ DOB 8/6/2006 GOTCHA DAY 10/17/2006 Morgan Loved by Kelley RetrievaDiva Dock Dog DOB 5/17/2008 GOTCHA DAY 12/23/2009

02-08-2010, 05:58 PM	#5
zach I'm a good dog Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Back in the CO! Posts: 4,169 My Mood:	Wow, that's a hard one. I hope Vinnie's family understands why you'd want to celebrate your DH's birthday. Is there something you can do to celebrate Vinnie's birthday, instead of the anniversary of his passing? __________________ Gail - mom to: from left: Frederick James, Yoshi James, Zachariah James Book Count: 2009 - 27/50, 2010 2

02-08-2010, 06:35 PM	#8
nikkiluvsu15 Go Gators!!!! Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: North Florida Posts: 2,901 My Mood:	I'm so sorry I hope they understand. I like the idea that "Zach" recommended though. Something similar happened to my mom... in a way. She married her high school sweetheart right out of high school at 18. At 19 she had my older brother, then 2 years later she had my sister. When my sister was 8 months old (my brother was 2 years, 8 months) he was killed in a work "accident", they never did figure out if it was an accident or not. His birthday was just recently and she got together with his sister and mom, I think. They went to his grave I'm pretty sure, at least I know my Meme (his mom) did. I'm sorry again, but I really hope his family understands. __________________ GO GATORS! ~~~~~~~~~ Nikki & Her Zoo: Rebel(APBT) - 2/07 Harleigh(Lab/?) - 2/09 Tigger(feline!) - 5/97 Phoebe(feline!) - 4/09 Patches(feline!) - RIP ~~~~~~~~~~ But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint. - Isaiah 40:31

02-08-2010, 06:47 PM	#9
spruce Senior Dog Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: washington Posts: 1,161	rough - hard to celebrate, when on the same date the world fell apart. I'm "kinda" similiar -- my lst husband died on 8/24 -- I met my current husband on 5/24. I always considered 24 a bad number and diverted any acknowledgement of us meeting that day Since they lost Vinnie have they always celebrated his life in the anniversary of his passing? Plus, I think it is wonderful you're still in contact with them.

02-08-2010, 08:11 PM	#10
whitejake Senior Dog Join Date: May 2009 Location: texas Posts: 2,233 My Mood:	I think as time passes they do realize that you are moving on. Im sure they would enjoy having you there but understand that as time passes that it may no longer be possible for you to be there. Im sure they would be happy knowing that you are celebrating your dhs birthday. I dont believe that anyone would be so harsh as to hold it against you. We all have our ways of celebrating someones life or mourning their loss and going the next step of living again. Those ways too can change over the years. Maybe you can make that transition easier on yourself and them by calling just before or just after that celebration and letting them know that all of them and Vinnie are in your thoughts. Im so sorry that this was something you had to go through and im sure that day is difficult and trying to find a mid point between that and your dhs day must be bittersweet. Hopefully some one can recommend a good decision you can be happy with. __________________

02-09-2010, 07:05 AM	#11
myblacklab Adult Retriever Join Date: Oct 2009 Location: Connecticut Posts: 502 My Mood:	Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I am feeling much better today. I know that I shouldn't feel guilty and I know they are happy for me. Thanks for all of your good thoughts!

02-09-2010, 08:54 PM	#12
3Muttsketeers Senior Dog Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: Surprise, Arizona Posts: 33,052 My Mood:	I'm sorry you had such a rough time. __________________ Ann and the three mutts! 12 of 50

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