Why are you messing with me? Valentine's Day is supposed to be a romantic, carefree day, full of love and puppies and kittens and rainbows. And trust. So when the cheat sheet in my heart shaped box of chocolates is just plain wrong, you have violated that trust. There is a huge difference between fruit and nut caramels and buttercream caramels. Huge. And you swapped them. Why? Why would you do that? It's just so mean. I was not, really not, in the mood for fruit and nuts. I wanted straight up sugar and butter and cream.
Lucky for you, I grew up in a world full of suspicion and skepticism. I grew up in a world where there were no cheat sheets. I grew up biting off the corners of each chocolate to see what they were before fully committing to a potentially disgusting bite of coconut or something else even remotely healthy that simply does not belong in my sugar hit. So you did not fool me with your lying ways. I sampled and revealed your treachery. Sampled again and found what I really wanted.
You lose, Russell Stover. And I win. No healthy stuff for me! These are chocolates, after all. When I want a salad, I'll eat a salad. You can't just fool me into it.