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  1. #1
    Puppy jjswengb's Avatar
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    Vent about a friend - long.

    So. I need a place to vent. And it's about my upcoming wedding. So I have limited options. A friend I've known since grade school is in my wedding party. She's always been the dominate one in the friendship and I've always just kind of let her boss me around. But I'm 29 now and we don't live in the same city, so our friendship is limited to texts and when I go back home we sometimes grab dinner.

    Anyway, she offered to throw me a wedding shower. She works in a bar (and I should clarify this is a straight up bar. Not a bar restaurant.) and wants to host it there because, as she tells me "it will be free." I politely tried to bring up other suggestions as this place only has bar stools with high table tops. And I have people who will be attending that cannot sit on the high stools. She booked it there anyway and chose a time without asking me if it works with me. She sent out a Facebook message in the beginning stages of planning with another bridesmaid and my mom and stepmom, just to throw around ideas. Both my stepmom and other bridesmaid suggested that this bar wasn't what a good idea and they should look into other options. All three of the others assumed this friend was spearheading the planning because she made the first contact with everyone. She never contacted them ever again.

    Since then she has told me how she's the one planning everything because no one else is helping her. She keeps telling me how busy she is this summer - to the point where she is sending me her entire schedule for the summer - and she needs to "fit this planning" into her busy life. I get that she's busy, but she's making this sound like an inconvenience. And I'm not sure why she keeps telling me over and over how busy she is, when she was the one to offer to throw this shower. I wasn't even counting on having one as it's not really my style to be center of attention. My stepmom has been asking me if I have heard anything about the shower, as she hasn't heard from my friend. I passed along the message to my friend and it turned into this firestorm of my friend dragging my stepmom's name through the mud. My friend claims my stepmom has shown no interest in helping out. And everyone else has, so she wasn't going to make any more effort to get her to help. She only sent one message to the group. Yet she's telling me she's bending over backwards to get everyone involved and to accommodate everyone. She even said - verbatim - "I chose the date you and your stepmom could attend." Was she planning to pick a date I couldn't attend?

    Anyway, it turned into my friend being so out-of-line and rude in the way she addressed my stepmom and she made it very clear she is keeping track of who is doing what and how much each person has contacted her. And she has no problem letting me know either. I don't feel comfortable with the way she responded about my stepmom. And I don't like how she is using this as a way to one-up everyone else. It's almost as if she's doing it so she can tell everyone she did everything. Which I shouldn't be surprised about. Because that's how she is. I ended up telling her I valued our friendship more than this shower and I politely declined the offer for her to host.

    The bottom line is, I'm worried about how she will treat my other friends and family through this which is why I declined the shower. Even after the decline she is continuing to act as if it's still happening. So I told her nicely 5 different ways that I was declining, passing, forgoing, etc. And then she flipped out. Said she does so much for me and I treat her like shit. Told me I'm her bf and don't even know what's going on in her life. Typical behavior for her. Always turning it into the other person being the bad friend. I have distanced myself from her not only in miles, but as a friend because we are at different points in our life. I've made the move into my adult life and she's still big on the bar scene multiple nights a week. We aren't 22 anymore and I've moved on, but she still holds this friendship in the same regard and with the same expectations as she did in college. I don't. She told me to save money on her invite and she's not attending. She just went nuts. And the crazy thing is, I'm not even phased. I've been through this behavior so many times with her. So I left the ball in her court. I told her I hoped she would reconsider. We've been friends for a long time and I want her at the wedding, but I would leave the decision up to her.

    I don't understand how someone can be so crazy. She hasn't changed and matured into adult behavior. I should have seen this debacle coming!

  2. #2
    Senior Dog Bamps's Avatar
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    I used to party lots as a youngen and quit because it was destroying my marriage. I immediately noticed that I had nothing more in common with most of my "friends". This is your marriage about to happen and all parties, get togethers, "fun things" should be what YOU want and need. It's YOUR time to enjoy life, do it and don't worry bout no one else.

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  4. #3
    Puppy julia's Avatar
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    Ugh, I sympathize with you.

    I have also had friends who didn't respect my boundaries and who had to make everything about themselves. You should not have to reiterate boundaries with true friends. She's taken what is supposed to be a special day for you and your partner and made it into a drama-filled, stressful, awkward situation where she is the center of attention.

    In the past, I have cut off contact with super clingy, pushy, unreasonable friends. It hurt at first, but it's improved my life. I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

  5. #4
    Real Retriever
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    I don't think I would continue to be friends with this type of person. It sounds like you have matured and she hasn't. I think you did the right thing leaving 'the ball in her court', it sounds as if she was doing the shower more for the attention it would bring her, rather than the enjoyment it would bring you and everyone else.

  6. #5
    Best Friend Retriever Snowco Labradors's Avatar
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    Ditto to Bamps. If this friend can not grow up..... you have and you need to move on. I know that's hard to let go of those old friends, but it is what it is.

    I went thru this when I got engaged over 25 years ago. My friends were still in the bar scene every night and I was outgrowing it. They gave me a hard time but I was growing up and did not want what they did........ I moved on and was happy for it. They eventually did too a few years later when they all got married.

    Stand your ground with this friend. This is your life, your wedding, no one elses......

    congrats and wishing you a wonderful life in your marriage.

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  8. #6
    Senior Dog janedoe's Avatar
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    I had a similar situation with someone recently and we're 46. We've known each other for 28 years, I've been married for 18 years, she's still single and she is so domineering that she doesn't even acknowledge my husband. It's all just about her. Some people just never get there.

    This is your day. People need to work with you and help out, not the other way around. You handled it well, maturely and so respectfully especially when it came to your stepmom. I hope your friend comes around but you drew really good boundaries regardless.

  9. #7
    House Broken ShoalsRebel's Avatar
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    Drama Queen. They sting and stink. Keep your distance and continue to be wise about who you allow into your life as "friends" even if they were at one time close. Things change, people change. Trust this old sage....been there, done that. Oh, and don't even look back and feel bad about dusting off your feet as you walk away from her. I would even reconsider having her at your wedding.

  10. #8
    House Broken csblabmom's Avatar
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    when she said this : She told me to save money on her invite and she's not attending. She just went nuts. And the crazy thing is, I'm not even phased.
    She gave you an out. Take her at her word and move on with your plans as if she isn't coming or going to be in the wedding party. SHE made the decision, let her live with it.

  11. #9
    Senior Dog Snowshoe's Avatar
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    Sounds familiar and sounds like you have made your decision and are moving on, as you said. But it does also sound like the end of a long friendship and that's probably meant to be but it is a loss. You need to vent and even grieve this loss. A part of you, of your life, has changed and it's not ever coming back. Most likely it's not. The loss of a good friend, good girlfriends are special, is sad. In some ways it hurts more than the boyfriend breakup. I think you need to allow yourself some moments to just sit and feel mad, then sad. The sad usually comes after the mad, just as with death of a loved one. Sorry.

  12. #10
    Senior Dog
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    Girl, she is NOT your friend.

    Oh, and +1 to what everyone else said.
    Stormageddon, Princess of Darkness, aka "Stormy"
    Birthday 9-13-18, Gotcha Day 11-11-18
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    Miss Kimber, CGC, 6/15/2005-1/27/2018 forever in our hearts



 



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