I'm so happy to see my dogs again!!!

[krysten]

I know I had posted a couple times here about the absolutely horrible depression I have been in these last 6 months. Just... soul crushing misery.
about 3 months ago i realized that I didn't want to come home and see the dogs anymore. I wasn't excited. I used to think about them all day and work and not be able to wait until I saw their lil faces. At some point though, at the lowest of my lows, they were just something else to take care of. It was horrible.
On one hand it was completely and utterly disturbing. On the other hand it really drove the point home that i was NOT myself. everything else that was happening in my life I had convinced myself wasn't the depression speaking but just the way things are now. I guess I really hate my job. I guess I'm not happy in my marriage. I guess I hate myself. Even though these things didn't sounds like me AT ALL, even though I would occasionally have these moments of clarity and realize that this wasn't ME talking but something else... something mean and wrong that i should fight... i would always go back to "i guess this is just me now"

But something about the dogs... i don't know. i KNOW that's not me. that is the exact opposite of me. so it was oddly reassuring in a way. YES. something is wrong with me. I am not myself right now.
my husband even found it reassuring too. when I told him that i dreaded coming home at work at night because i didn't even want to "deal with the dogs" he was like.... woah. that's the depression talking, and you need more help.

soooooooo i got more help. ugh.... so much therapy, medicine changes, change of routines, journaling and on and on and on and on. I didn't think it would ever end. i was starting to seriously realize i may never feel better.
about a month ago i hit serious rock bottom. thought... what's the point? i may as well just end it.
i snapped out of that in a few hours but it was enough to terrify me. went to see the therapist. sobbed. was brutally honest to my husband about the horrrible monologue in my head. sobbed some more.

and then i just signed up for night classes, dove right in, and started the next week. and something remarkable happened. with something else to focus on besides my misery i started feeling better. i have wanted to take classes for YEARS and i just... did it. the future started looking a little better. I don't know if it was the change in meds finally kicking in, the starting classes and building more confidence, i really dont know. but that was almost 3 weeks ago now and i really really really REALLY FEEL LIKE ME AGAIN. i could cry just writing that. ive been so scared to even say it out loud because i have started feeling better before and then slipped back down. but this feels different.

and earlier this week i found myself driving home, racing after work to see my puppies. thinking about them at work and missing them terribly. texting my hubby for updates on them while i'm in school two nights a week.

and i didn't even notice. until tonight when i got home from work, beaming from ear to ear to see them, crawled onto the floor and tussled with them for a while and realized OH MY GOD. i really am me again. i feel like i am seeing them for the first time in months. don't get me wrong... we have snuggled, taken them swimming, gone to the vet, and all the other things you do. but my heart is finally truly and totally bursting at the seams just to pet them and give them kisses. i swear they brought me back to life <3

[POPTOP]

So, so happy you have turned the corner. You realized it was not you, got the help you needed and pushed yourself to getting back on track. Nothing helps as much as those furry faces waiting for you when you get home. Hugs.

[BeataK]

I'm so glad to read that you're feeling better, that you're back to yourself

[kelsyg]

I am sorry you have been having such a hard time. It's great that you are feeling well again. Good luck with your classes.

[Sandra]

I'm so glad to hear that you are feeling better.

[Snowshoe]

I'm so glad to hear this. I do remember your earlier posts. I like this post much better, it's much more how I think of you. Welcome back, stay.

[Maxx&Emma]

I am so sorry for all you have gone through but very glad you are on the "other side". Wishing you continued good health and happiness.

[kimbersmom]

I've been thinking of you, Krysten. So glad things are going well!

[4Thelove]

Sometimes we just have to go through it! Good Job!

[janedoe]

I'm so happy you're feeling better!