We were away for 2 weeks and I just finished going through all the mail that accumulated. I have a few letters I'd like to send back but I don't want to waste paper or postage, so I'll just get out my frustration here:
Dear Car Warranty Companies,
I know my car is coming up on 4 years of age. Thank you so much for your concern, what with 9 notices, 4 of them URGENT 2nd notices, appearing in my mailbox in the past 2 weeks. I will not be extending my warranty through any of your companies so you need not send me any 3rd and FINAL!!!! notices. My car and I will just tough out the next several years together.
Sincerely...
Dear Charities,
I know you all are eager for donations. ASPCA, you're so cute, thinking I did not receive the first mailing and that I needed a second, URGENT reminder, sent a week later. Maybe that was just in case I thought all those colorful return address labels were just a free gift. To you and all the other charities sending me return address labels or little pads of paper containing 8 sheets of paper emblazoned with your logo, I now have enough labels and note pads to last me at least 10 years, probably longer than I'll be living in this house. Please use the money you spend in donation requests and printing personalized return address labels to actually help the cause to which you are so devoted. To whichever charity it is that includes a shiny, new nickel for some reason I've forgotten along with your name, I will still accept nickels.
Respectfully...
and finally,
Dear Swim Suit Manufacturers,
Thank you for taking my poorly endowed and aging physique into account when making swim suit tops, however, I find those little flat oval pieces of foam in the cups to be more of a distraction than an attraction. Perhaps you have never worn or washed one of the suits that you make, but you do realize that those little wafers are only beneficial until you've washed your sunscreen and saltwater soaked bathing suit? Not the thick pads that look like pillows and don't really make me look like Dolly Parton anyway, I'm talking about the little flat ones about 1/32 of an inch thick that fold up like origami and look like you're concealing little wedges of pizza in your top after it's been washed. I would remove them but my fingers are not shaped like chopsticks and I cannot easily retrieve them through the 1/2" opening you've presumably provided for such a purpose. Therefore, could you either sew them down so they don't fold up, or eliminate them altogether?
Gratefully...
OK, that's better. Does anyone else wish to write a letter?
Definitely the first two!
Dear Magazines that I subscribe to:
I will renew when my subscription is over, if I am still interested in your magazine. Please do not continue to send me monthly notices telling my subscription is almost up when I know it isn't. I enjoy your magazine, but it is starting to taint my view of your subscription prices when you continue to waste money on asking me to renew before my current subscription is over. In addition, it brings into question the accuracy of the articles in your magazine if you cannot keep track of when my subscription ends. If you can't verify the one fact, then how am I to believe the other facts from your magazine.
Sincerely,
Bamps (08-19-2014), kimbersmom (08-20-2014), LucyTudeOn4Feet (08-19-2014), Scoutpout (08-20-2014), smartrock (08-19-2014)
Ha! Love it. I've got one:
Dear Credit Card Companies:
Thank you for making me feel so special and exceptional. I know it must be true, with the million different offers I seem to receive on a daily basis telling me how special I am, and that I, alone, am receiving your very special offer to extent me credit. Regardless, I have all the credit I need and will happily contact you should my needs change.
Sincerely,
oh boy, Smartrock your post has given me the best laugh in a longtime!!! The tiny bits of origami shaped pizza slices...ha,ha!
I can't think of one at the moment, I usually preempt these things occurring when I am asked for my address or phone number to enter a competition or buy something.....recently I bought a vacuum cleaner and the lady said she NEEDED my address and phone number and when I said NO and WHY she finally thought of an answer/excuse it was for the guarantee!! I said I was not going to give her my address or phone number to record in some stores database to then store and distribute crappy advertising and the like...Actually I've noticed more stores wanting your name and address when you buy something....I say, unless it's something significant like a car or house, you have my money and a sale but you ain't going to get my address to send me rubbish. ( even if you say you won't)
smartrock (08-19-2014)
Dear Auto Dealer:
Thank you for the volumes of advertisements and special specials you are keeping me aware of. I do not need to receive any more as I have an adequately new car and do not plan any purchases in the future, especially something that will not drive in the snow and will not hold and withstand the antics of two large dogs. I do request that you send me the cost of a new shredder as mine has burned out shredding your ads.
Dear Auto Manufacturer,
This is to let you know that I have kept my promise to you. When I bought one of your trucks, YOU said you would fix it under warrantee but when my wife pulled into your service dept when the truck was only 3 days old with the horn stuck on, your service rep told her they didn't have time. When she asked if they would disconnect it, they said they couldn't. It wasn't until she said she'd WAIT until they had time and left it PARKED in front of the service dept did someone finally help her by un plugging the horn. It went down hill from there.
Never have I ever had so many problems with one vehicle, new or used, that I had with your piece of junk. To your standardized letters from corporate in response to my complaints saying, "sorry to have inconvenienced you" I say back, inconvenienced my (censored), I got RIPPED OFF!! I was happy to hear you were on the ropes and so, SO VERY PO'd that this corrupted government bailed your sorry behinds out, but it doesn't matter. I still will continue, forever, to keep the promise I personally made to you and your idiot "service tech". I will never under any circumstances by another of your sorry products and to date I have not.
Sincerely,
Your former patron.
smartrock (08-19-2014)
Those are great!
Dear Collections Agency,
I realized that the economy is difficult so may I suggest that you stop spending money pursuing the son and daughter in law of the landlord of the woman who you shouldn't have given credit to in the first place. First of all, she hasn't lived here for 15 years. As we've told you before. Repeatedly. Second, we haven't even met her let alone know where she is now. But if you do locate her, feel free to let us know since she owes my mother in law's estate for the last two months rent. Not that it matters anyway because, as you should well know, she's no longer liable for debt that's that old. Nice try though.
Sincerely,
Bamps (08-20-2014), monsterpup (08-19-2014), smartrock (08-19-2014)
Dear person who owned my cell phone number before me,
Thank you for giving that number out to the plumber. I was unaware that we had a leak and were supposed to meet them and missed the appointment and were going to be charged. I was also unaware that we were past due on credit cards. Also, because we are "apparently" past due, we are obviously lying when we tell you that you have contacted the wrong person and that regretfully, we have no idea who this person is or how to contact them.
Sincerely,
smartrock (08-20-2014)
Dear Warranty company,
I too acknowledge that my car is at the end of the warranty period. No, I do not want to extend my warranty for as little $$$$. When you called me the first time last week and talked to me for 30 minutes about my options, and I declined, you told me you could not call me again if I said no. Your next 6 calls last week, and then your 3 calls over the weekend, and 2 more in the last day, must be an error. I answer the same way every time. NO I DO NOT WANT TO EXTEND MY WARRANTY!!! Stop calling me to ask.
Sincerely Julie, an angry customer.
Julie & Jake, Bacon's Humans
Instagram: @mrbaconthelab
Born: 9/02/13
Gotcha: 11/08/13
Hidden Content
In memory of Lily 1/1995 - 2/2/2012
Hidden Content
smartrock (08-20-2014)
We've had our current phone number for nearly 8 years and we still get calls for Deborah S., apparently the prior owner of this number. It doesn't seem to matter how many people I tell that this is no longer her number and they assure me they will "update their system", we continue to get calls to change appointment times, ask for donations, and whatever else these relentless folks are calling about. If I knew her new number, trust me, I would be delighted to share it with them.
Meeps83 (08-21-2014)
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