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  1. #1
    Senior Dog ChoppersDad's Avatar
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    Somebody Please Help Me Train My Girlfriend!

    I moved in with my girlfriend a couple of weeks ago. She works from home so she spends all day with Chopper. The problem is that Chopper has successfully trained my girlfriend to do whatever he wants while I am at work. Now, I am hearing complaints from my girlfriend that Chopper will listen to me, but not her. Sound familiar?

    While I am at work, my girlfriend takes Chopper for walks and feeds him when he is hungry. She feels she has done her duty. Upon returning from the walks, she states Chopper gets in her face and starts barking demands at her. She cannot get him to stop barking. Chopper pulls on the leash when she walks him. Chopper does not come when she calls him. Chopper doesn’t bring the bumper back when she throws it. I could go on… When I get home Chopper is an angel with a halo over his head. He does everything I ask of him. This drives my girlfriend crazy.

    I sat her down yesterday evening and tried to explain to her why this was happening. It has gotten so out of control she started crying. She is at the end of her rope. I tried to explain to her the dynamic among owners and dogs has a lot to do with pack leadership. I told her she needs to move into the #2 slot. LOL… To break the ice a little, I told her she can forget about the #1 slot because I am impossible to train. She explained to me she is a kind person. She believes you should always give more than you take. She is a loving and caring person and feels if she gives Chopper what he wants, then he should reciprocate with doing what she wants. The truth of the matter is she is spoiling the crap out of him. Chopper has learned if he barks enough, he will get what he wants with her. Additionally, I do not think she is giving him enough mental and physical stimulation during the day.

    I am very strict with Chopper. I make him wait to eat, make him wait to go outside for a walk, etc. He gets to do something when I say it is ok. He knows when I say “no”, I mean “no”. When I say quiet, he stops barking and finds something else to do while he waits. When he is quiet and does what I want, then I reward him. I tried to explain to her dogs are smart and they pick up on the littlest things. I tried to explain to her when Chopper sees just one person is enforcing commands, he learns he only has to listen and respect one person. I made the mistake of telling her Chopper was not the problem. I told her she was the problem and she did not take it too well. I guess I should have sugar coated it a little bit.

    Finally, I stated I have spent a tremendous amount of time working with Chopper to get him to do what I want. I tried to explain to her training does not happen overnight. It is an ongoing process. I told her we both have to train the dog or the situation will never get better. I’m thinking of signing up Chopper for another obedience class. The purpose of the class is not for me or Chopper, but for my girlfriend. I am going to request my girlfriend attend the class with Chopper. Maybe she will listen to a professional trainer. I suggested she take Chopper to a local dog park to burn off some energy during the day. Running around with a bunch of crazy dogs will wear him out. Do you think this approach is the right strategy? Ladies, any suggestions on how to get my girlfriend to listen to me? Am I being too hard on her? I’m sure my delivery could use some improvement. She said I was so insensitive. Everything is always black and white to me.
    Last edited by ChoppersDad; 04-15-2015 at 03:31 PM.

  2. #2
    Real Retriever Laura's Avatar
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    Not a lot of help here, because I am a very black and white, direct-delivery girl myself. It sounds like you know exactly what is going on and what you need to do. She needs to work on building her relationship with him and that can start just by walking him appropriately and not letting him drag her along for "his" walk. She doesn't need to be mean, but she needs to be in control of the situation. A training class for the two of them to build her leadership sounds great.

    I actually had a similar problem when my Mom would come to visit. She would give an inch and Theo would take a mile. It's amazing how smart they are and how they can manipulate the situation to get what they want. I finally told her that, if she couldn't reinforce the house rules in regards to training, she would need to leave Theo in his crate when I wasn't there. Obviously, you don't want to come to that at your house, but it did work for me. We've only had a few individual days that she has been there and he has been crated (save a few potty breaks), but keeping his training in line has been so much easier than un-doing bad behaviors and re-learning appropriate ones.
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  4. #3
    Senior Dog ChoppersDad's Avatar
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    Chopper is 9 months old and he is in his rebellious stage. I have been expecting this to happen. Chopper's signs of dominance over my girlfriend may be a result of Chopper's hormones gone crazy. He has been marking a lot lately and he may think he is now the head honcho when I am not around. Do you think getting him neutered will help reduce some of the troublesome behaviors? I scheduled him to be neutered this Saturday. Is it too soon?

  5. #4
    Senior Dog CraftHer's Avatar
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    The first thing I thought of was that she doesn't want to hurt his (or your) feelings. She may not understand that being firm with Chopper is actually what he wants. She's not being mean or hurting his feelings. Mocha listens to DH strong low voice over my high soft one. I change my tone and Mocha listens. The point was noticed by our trainer. And I also have to remember and practice. Maybe have her alone take him to a class. Even a puppy class with teach her the basics and teach him to follow her.

    You said "She is a loving and caring person and feels if she gives Chopper what he wants, then he should reciprocate with doing what she wants." You wouldn't give a child a piece of candy every time they wanted one. The greater gift is teaching them. And Chopper is a dog, it's all about him. He isn't going to think "Wow, cool girlfriend gave me a treat, I'll lay down quietly for her". It just doesn't work this way. She may be trying to humanize him.

    I hope you both keep working on this.

    Edited: I was thinking Chopper was older. She'd definitely going to have to assert herself with him. And it'll be hard for her, but once she starts doing it and Chopper starts listening, it'll become habit.

    Maybe have your girlfriend do the neutering - that'll teach him! (Just kidding!)

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  7. #5
    Senior Dog WhoopsaDaisy's Avatar
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    I don't know ~I think you sounded harsh. First of all-- is Chopper "your" dog or is he an "our" dog? If he is yours you are lucky you have someone to love on him, spend the day with him, and take him for walks and feed him. Thank your lucky stars.

    Next, instead of telling her SHE is the problem I would tell her things she can do if Chopper is barking at her. Here is how to reinforce good behavior, etc. I'm sure your GF has other things to do and may not always have time to take Chopper to the dog park--you could suggest it-- but you also have to be careful. I don't like people taking Daisy without me bc they don't know what to watch out for at the park and I would hate for Daisy to have a bad experience at the park bc someone wasn't watching her closely. So much can go wrong so quickly at the dog park.

    I think a training class is a GREAT idea -- but that you BOTH should go. It just seems like you'd be able to communicate with each other expectations better that way.

    We crazy lab people need to be careful ~it's hard not to think our dog is perfect. However, Chopper should take some responsibility here. Tell him he needs to get his Mommy(?) a gift--- maybe something that sparkles--as an apology for being naughty when Daddy is away!
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  9. #6
    Senior Dog POPTOP's Avatar
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    Oh, does this sound familiar. DH is a total softie. Lately, when we finish dinner and are sitting at the table chatting, Mardi will approach DH and start barking at him. For being good and not begging at the table or being a pest while we eat, we do give them a treat. The barking demand has been going on for a while. Last night, with the grans over and all that extra noise, I had had enough. DH had given them a treat but within 15 minutes Mardi demanding more. I got up and stood between her and DH and told her to go lay down. It took her a minute but she got the message. About 20 minutes later, she was back; I repeated the command. The rest of the evening, she was an angel.

    Crafther is right, if they think they can get away with it, they will push and push. Chopper is at that age of being a teenage pest so your GF needs to stand her ground. She will not hurt his feelings, she will actually be building a better bond with Chopper. I applaud her for being giving and loving. However, with a dog, giving and loving is different than with humans.

    I think the obedience class is an excellent idea. It will let her see how commands work and the super "payback" she will receive from Chopper. Plus, the class with be an excellent bonding experience for both of them.

    To your GFs credit, she loves Chopper and you. The two of you having an open conversation about the situation speaks volumes about both of you trying to make this work. Please tell her this will resolve, that she is not wrong in loving Chopper, it's just different than humans.

  10. #7
    Senior Dog Labradorks's Avatar
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    Your girlfriend has a slightly spoiled little dog, right? Sometimes, when people are used to little dogs, big dogs like Labs are tough for them to deal with. Even some really experienced people in my training class with Papillions are borderline afraid of Linus or think he is a big, crazy animal! Little dogs can typically get away with a lot more. When they jump on you, it's not a big deal. When they bark at you, it can be cute. When they are demanding, it's funny. So, she is frustrated and she doesn't get him, that he is a working dog, not a lap dog. Little dogs are also puppies for shorter periods of time and mature faster. Labs, especially males, mature around the age of three. Does your girlfriend know all of this about Labs and working dogs? Perhaps you can get her a book about Labs from Chopper, with a cute note? And yes, she is humanizing him. Does she do the same with her little dog? Perhaps you can ask her to think of him as an employee. He is a working dog and that's what makes him tick. Has she ever been in management?

    It sounds like you are analytical and she is emotional. Does this sound right? If so, then you need to use feelings types words. I'm not very good at that, either... But it is a common frustration between couples, I do know that! One thing to remember while you're beating your head against a wall, is that the feelings she is having are genuine. Let her speak and listen to what she is saying. Never tell her that what she is saying is wrong or doesn't make sense. Say things like, "Thank you for dealing with Chopper as he is going through his 'terrible twos'" and acknowledge that he can be difficult. Thank her for feeding him, exercising him, putting up with him on a particularly difficult day when maybe he is being a pest or she is not feeling well. If she does something well, praise her for it, but don't be patronizing.

    One thing you might do is to not make Chopper her job. I mean, if you'd picked him out together, then OK, but the truth is, he is your dog and you are sharing him with her. At some point, when he is older and sweeter and calmer and she is used to him, that might change, but right now, he is a monster nine month old male (neutered or not, it's the same) Lab puppy. I have been there several times and believe me, I even had a hard time liking my own dog during that time! If I were you, I would go out of my way to take on the responsibility of feeding, exercising, and mental and physical stimulation. If it were me, I'd want to, and I would not feel resentment. I would also feel like she was doing me a favor and want to make it as easy as possible for her. Can you get up earlier, feed him, walk him or play fetch, before you go to work? Even a 15 minute training session should help. That might lessen his energy. I would also, at his young age, not have her walking him or taking him to the dog park. He is still in training with you and still young. That just sounds too overwhelming for her. I didn't even let my professional dog walker take Linus out until he was walking on leash like a model citizen around six months! Perhaps hire a dog walker until he's better trained and she is doing better with him. Just take some of the pressure off of her is what I'm saying.

    I would also show her ways that she can put Chopper in a timeout that are not what she would consider "mean". Before you go to work, you can prepare some frozen Kongs. He can eat his meals from the Kongs when you are not home while hanging out in his crate. Hopefully, she will learn that crating is not bad. He is still young and probably needs these timeouts/forced naps anyway. Put him on a routine. Even write it out with her, what will work for her schedule, and stick to it. That will help establish leadership and create less of a stressful situation for her. Hopefully your work routine is pretty consistent.

    Learn the On the Pot exercise (Janice Gunn). Anyone can do it. She might think it's fun! There are other fun training exercises she can do with him that a trainer can show you. As far as getting help, I would nix the classes right now and invest in private lessons. Even just 30 minutes. And, I would let her go alone so that she can work alone with the trainer and not feel like you are watching her and feel a little easier about making mistakes. At some point, she will probably be comfortable with you there and want to show you how far they've come. Whenever there are couples in my classes, the one on the sidelines is nagging the one with the dog. I have seen several arguments and one blow-out fight. During this time, I would also suggest that you take Chopper to another class and have her watch, assuming that with her lack of experience, she is not a backseat handler. She will learn a lot. Chopper DOES need to go to class; all dogs benefit from taking several classes over their lifetime. It will also show her that you are not always perfect when it comes to Chopper as well, which will make her feel like it's not just her.

    I hope this helps. Good luck!
    Last edited by Labradorks; 04-15-2015 at 11:44 PM.

  11. #8
    Senior Dog Meeps83's Avatar
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    I think a training class is a great idea for all of you.

    To answer about the neutering, it sounds like this is more a boundary issue. I have a 1 year old puppy that is not neutered and he went thru that monster 9 month old stage too, but I have noticed that he's calmed down in the last few weeks. I'd wait on the neutering until you at least talk to your breeder about it.

  12. #9
    Senior Dog arentspowell's Avatar
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    From what you described, you sounded a little harsh. Its typically more effective to focus on what someones doing right than to focus on what they're doing wrong. I also think you're relying a little too much on dominance theory which has mostly been debunked.

    I agree with those that said that if Chopper is "your" dog that you shouldn't but the burden on your girlfriend to care for him. If she still needs to help with walks, I would get a training tool (like a prong) to keep Chopper from dragging her around all over the place. I think once some of the pressure is off of her, she may be open to things like taking a class with him.

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  14. #10
    Senior Dog TuMicks's Avatar
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    Ever heard the saying... "Love me. Love my dog"?

    So when we'd been married for 5 years (2 kids, one a toddler, the other barely crawling) hubby brought home a lab puppy to be his "hunting dog." Right. A man who works 80 hours a week is going to need a hunting dog. But with 2 babies in the house, I could not have a large and stupid, untrained dog around, so out of desperation bought a book and began following it chapter by chapter. I trained that dog and 35 years worth of subsequent dogs.

    But as it is with children, so it is with dogs. One parent tends to cultivate discipline and set boundaries (i.e., civilizing the little creatures) and the other offers unmerited love and affection. There is never going to be perfect harmony and there will always be a dynamic tension in the way you two relate to the third party in the household (dog, child, in-law, whatever.)

    Sometimes you just have to stand back and let your significant other make their own mistakes and fight their own battles. You can step in when you're asked, offer advice, play umpire, take the dog for a walk while her temper cools off... whatever. If you hand her a book or take her and the dog to class and she is willing to learn, GREAT! If not... you may need to decide how to love her in spite of the fact that she is a lousy dog-person.

    Hubby and I have been married for 43 years and he's OK as a dog-sitter. He over-feeds them, lets them get up on the furniture, let's them jump up on him then complains when they do... Oh, well. By over-looking a lot of that, we managed to keep the dogs and the marriage.

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