The Labrador Retriever - an Alternative Breed Standard

[Berna]

THE LABRADOR RETRIEVER - AN ALTERNATIVE BREED STANDARD
General Appearance
Not too fussy about appearance. Perfectly happy covered in mud. Not too fussed about bringing home an aroma from something rolled in either. Quite prepared to stand and allow owner to wash dirt off and understands the importance of getting dry by getting rid of excess water with a good shake... usually when standing beside owner.

Characteristics
Agile, adaptable and devoted to the cause. Has never lost its ability to hunt for food and shows all these characteristics to demonstrate the fact.

Temperament
Very intelligent and kind. Not aggressive or shy. Uses these qualities when conning food off people or when done something wrong and due a bollocking.

Skull
Houses a computer-like brain. Solves problems in split seconds, can switch from one application to another in nano seconds and has plenty excess capacity for personal projects.

Eyes
Can see a crumb under a chair at the opposite end of an unit room.

Ears
More effective than Fylingdales. When used in conjunction with eyes, nothing is missed. Ears can detect a sweet being unwrapped in a pocket 3 rooms away, with every door closed. Can be switched on and off at will.

Nose
Unbelievably effective. No limit to the distance food can be detected. Can also detect foul smelling objects and substances in which to roll, up to 3 fields away. Can cause acute embarrassment when shoved into the crotch of visitors.

Mouth
Pre-programmed to pick things up in its mouth and walk away with them, it will need reprogramming to get it to carry them to the handler. New models (called puppies) come fitted with a temporary set of needles. No chair or table leg is safe, particularly with ones left on their own .- both furniture and puppies.

Neck
Strong and powerful enough to drag anything attached to a collar and lead.

Forequarters
The part seen just before it launches itself to show how pleased it is to see you.

Body
Very solid construction. Can easily dislodge large objects which have foolishly been left in its path. Also very efficient at bringing down standing human objects, especially when clattering into the back of the legs.

Hindquarters
The part most often seen by the owner who can't be bothered to train the dog.

Tail
Unfortunately fitted to the Labrador at coffee table height and with one wag can clear every cup (especially when full) and anything else not nailed to the table.

Movement
Usually in a straight line, with a purpose, so it tends to be thinking more about that than where it's going. Advisable to nail valuables down.

Coat
Has a waterproof undercoat which it needs because it does not walk around water, whether it be puddle or stream. No too fussy about the consistency or aroma either.

Colour
Black, chocolate and yellow - depending on your choice, you may have to re-organise your decor.

Size
Big enough to crash into anything.

Faults
None whatsoever.


(Source: Double LL Farm Labrador Retrievers)

[Halcyon]

Looks like Bobby has just been awarded his Supreme Grand Champion title.

[kelsyg]

Very amusing and so true!

Surprised it doesn't mention another skill - the nose nudge!

[barry581]

So true, so true!!! I'd save every Lab I've had exhibited about 99% of those traits!

[BILBO]

Brilliant!!! Especially "....Also very efficient at bringing down standing human objects, especially when clattering into the back of the legs. "

[MikeLynn]

Wow, that's the best description of the breed I've ever read and so true! I just wonder why they don't use this instead of all that technical, expertly garbage that can be found most anywhere However, I must admit that some of them are born with certain handicaps: don't eat and destroy furniture, shoes, and... Shoot there's nothing I can think of right now, but I'm sure that future lab owners might get used to these slight insufficiencies or correct them working diligently with an experienced trainer

[Sandra]

Love it. Thanks for my morning laugh. My Charlie certainly meets the alternative breed standard.

[sparky]

I love this!
I would add in the eyes section: When used in conjunction the head tilt, can melt the hardest of hearts.

[Maxx&Emma]

This is just perfect, I love it!

[Maxx&Emma]

I love this!
I would add in the eyes section: When used in conjunction the head tilt, can melt the hardest of hearts.

One of their best "weapons" and I swear they know it!