Kids fighting | parents fighting

[MontananDakota]

My dd is 9. SHe has had the same bff since K. I've been friends with her mom too. This school year the girls have been having quite a few disagreements. I was getting pretty upset at some of the behaviour, the other girl yelling at my dd on the playground and not just a shout but she continued to yell for a few minutes while following my dd as she tried to walk away from her. Over a disagreement. Another time my husband and I had both told our dd to try to play with someone different at recess, but still be nice to the bff. The bff asked the teacher to tell the principal that my dd ignored her. Teacher said, no we are not telling the principal. I've been getting more & more concerned over the stuff I hear so I decided I better call the mom to try to talk. She went off on me, telling me how her child is upset to go to school, my dd takes all the friends away from her, my dd ignores her. I was shocked. There is also a 3rd friend going between the girls telling them things that are maybe not true. She told my dd that she' s happiest when the 2 bffs are fighting, so that she has someone to be with! The other mom is also very good friends with the 3rd mom. The bff's mom went to the principal. I was trying to talk with her 1st but she went right to the principal, to say my dd is bullying hers! And I think she may be talking with other parents about this because that's what she does. I am so upset at the thought of her discussing my child with other moms, I feel that is just wrong. I'm not quite sure what to do. The 3rd friend told the bff that my dd made fun of the bff's clothes, my dd said no she didnt. I feel like I need to let the other mom that discussing my child with other parents isn't ok with me. However, she is on the PTA and mingles with so many other parents-if I say this she may do it anyway and then of course those parents wouldn't want their children to be with mine. Can you believe this nonsense??? No child is perfect but my dd is so confused at the things she is being accused of and she cant even defend herself because the other kids parents of course believe their own child.
Anyone go thru anything similar?

[Bamps]

Ah, what a mess. I've learned that when parents get involved, it grows out of proportions and gets stupid. Let it go, get out of it and don't look back. If DD needs you, she'll come to you.

[Sam I Am]

I have a 4th grader, and she deals with similar crap with a couple of girls. One accused her of tearing up another girl's belongings at aftercare and caused a HUGE stink. Luckily that place has video surveillance, which showed a third girl (the main accuser) had done it, and that girl subsequently got expelled. I talk to my daughter about what real friendship is and what it isn't and encourage her to hang out with nice girls who aren't in to drama. She slowly learning who to give her friendship to, but it's a steep learning curve.
I don't fool with talking to the other kids' parents, as I've found that the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree and is non-productive.

[smartrock]

That was a rough age for one of my kids, too. I found my daughter crying in her room because one of the girls decided she was the queen of the class and didn't let my kid sit with the other girls at lunch or told her she couldn't do this or that with the rest of them, spread rumors about other girls, stuff like that. But, who was in and who was out varied from one day to the next- one day my kid would be on the hot seat, the next day someone else. Other girls would have a sleepover party and invite every girl in the class but 1 or 2. It was about that age that the girls moved from everybody being friends to more competitive relationships. I remember that time pretty clearly as being very tough. Like Sam I Am, I spent a lot of time discussing with my daughter what friendship was, how real friends treat each other, how to cultivate a wider range of friends. I didn't get into it with anyone else's Mom but for the most part they weren't contributing to the drama either.

[ArchieSit]

I have a fourth grade DD as well, and yep, we've got friendship drama as well. (Maybe not to the level of yours, though.) "Competitive relationships" is a great way to describe it. I agree with the PP that at this age I am not discussing this with the other parents, although I am friends with them. I am encouraging my DD to spend time with whatever kids make her feel good and to give a rest to friendships that are really rocky right now. It's really tough to know other girls are excluding your sweet kiddo.

I have a lot of friends with sixth grade girls, and they report that these friendships cycle in and out. So your DD may end up back with her BFF before too long. Sorry you guys are going through it. Seems kind of universal, though, doesn't it?

[MontananDakota]

Yes it is universal. And exactly what you are all saying is so true-things change daily. Things seem to have calmed down now. I see clearly that the other parent is very disappointed in her dd's lack of leadership she calls it. She hears from other people that her daughter is a follower and not very outspoken. She wants her to be popular & outspoken. So now i see her emotion directed at us was actually about her being upset with her child for this. Crazy stuff. I am steering clear of other parents now after this LOL

[Sam I Am]

Now I feel sad for the other little girl. Few things feel as terrible as having one's parents disappointed in you, especially for an innate personality trait.

[barry581]

These are always no win situations for everyone. I used them as teachable moments that in life, sometimes people aren't what they appear to be. You can get caught up in it, on you can rise above the games being played. It isn't always easy with raging adolescent hormones driving them. Ugh, teenage years are miserable for everyone.

[MontananDakota]

Update on this crazy crap. I have tried to coach my dd to go to school and be nice, start each day new and no matter what-make sure she feels good about everything she says & does. Because realistically-we cannot control what others do & say. Things were going well until Monday. Bang outta the blue the other 2 girls decided to be against my dd. They told her she wasn't allowed to be involved in their activities because she is mean ( she is actually a shy sweet thing who needs help speaking up for herself) . This after asking her a myriad of questions about things her mommy can do such as "can your mommy knit or sew? can she use clay? can she paint?" there was also laughing and talking about her.
The teacher pulled the girls together for a talk yesterday & things were better. However as the girls were lining up for lunch the other girl said to my dd" my mom says your mom & dad hate each other" The other mom had some information regarding my husband and I -in that we didn't have the best thing going-this was a few years ago. We still don't but that's not her place to tell a child. Apparently she shared this information that was given to her in confidence a few years ago (when we were close). My dd was very sad. I explained to her that yes we do have a hard time getting along sometimes but that we do not "hate" each other. Both my husband and I were outraged that this parent would give this information to a child. She didn't answer her phone so I sent her a text explaining what this comment has caused. She simply said she punished her dd for it and doesn't know why she would say it. I wrote back that Id like to understand why her dd is upset with mine seemingly for no reason and she didn't answer.
I just don't know how to put an end to this. I have to see her today after school picking the girls up. ugh.

[Maxx&Emma]

It is an awful situation for parents. It is something that makes me glad my kids are grown! I honestly found the best thing was to stay out of the kid fights unless they turned inappropriate, as this did. Sharing personal/intimate details from friends, or former friends, is extremely inappropriate and disrespectful. I hate that for you.