depression sucks.

[krysten]

the past few months have sucked. just... sucked.
i posted on here many moths ago that i have struggled with anxiety/depression in the past but was experiencing quite the set back.
it started pretty much back last fall, but really went downhill fast in januray.
what's maddening is that i have been TRYING. SO. HARD.
started therapy. saw a shrink. added meds. on top of a whole slew of lifestyle changes (more activity, journaling, being more creative, on and on and on...) i also requested labwork and had my thyroid checked, vitamin d, hormones, UGH. EVERYTHING.
with the exception of a very borderline low, but not really that low, vitamin d all was well.
i did think that my body was maybe messed up after being on the pill for years and then stopping a year or so ago. since i am certainly not mentally capable of having a child right now i went back on a couple weeks ago. we'll see how that goes.

the worst part is that everytime i think i've hit rock bottom................................... i haven't. i feel like... this is it. this is bad. but im going to get better now. i'm going to keep fighting. and i do.... but then i just sink lower.
i thought that i was turning things around and then last week had one of my worst weeks. friday i started to feel a little better and then crashed HARD friday night. sobbing. my poor husband... i've been trying so hard to keep marching onward i think he thought i was doing pretty well. he poked and poked and poked about... "what's wrong? nothing? are you sure? really?" i was so annoyed and then i just exploded. he was so sweet and so there for me, and i am so thankful that he pushed me to open up.

so that was bad. really, really bad. i said things... very honest horrible things about the state i am in.

saturday was a little better and yesterday i started looking at classes. i've been thinking about going back to school for a really long time. i actually enrolled in a general studies program and took placement testing at the college right next to where i work (where i have a previous degree from) to get into nursing. i'm in the medical field now and this seemed like the next logical step. this was bac in january though... and then everything sort of fell apart anyway. and the idea of nursing just didn't excite me, and i started to feel trapped in the decision. the whole thing felt really overwhelming. i mean... i'm having a hard time getting out of bed right now, let alone taking on NURSING SCHOOl. on one hand i think it would be good to throw myself into something, but that is really stressful and i just don't think im equipped right now.

SO.. i started looking at other stuff. and long story short, too late, settled on a surgical tech program. i wanted to go into nursing basically to be an OR nurse, and this seemed equally fascinating to me... with a shorter commitment for school, more manageable cost and good financial payoff. i just think it's a good fit right now.

so today... in a fit of motivation... i went to the college at lunch, registered, signed up for a class, paid for said class, and i start next monday. sheesh.

now of course im regretting everything and getting cold feet. but if i look at it objectively i know it's a good decision. i'm taking just one class... anatomy and physiology. I've taken it before before for my medical assistant role, although that didn't have a lab component so it didn't "count". i'm fascinated by all of this and looking forward to it. i mean... i read books about surgery and medicine in my spare time. FOR FUNSIES. if i see something at my current job and don't know what it is i go back and look it up and learn as much as i can about it. every day at the hospital when i walk down the hall i go past the OR and look at it whistfully

so that's where i am. hopefully this is a good decision and i wont fall apart. hopefully this is what i need to feel like an interesting and useful person again. otherwise... i'm sort of ideas i keep reminding myself that i AM a strong person.. simply because i HAVE gotten up everyday. even though i cry a lot in the bathroom at work or in the car or in the bathroom at home... even though i am exhausted all the time... even though a lot of times life doesn't seem living and i feel like the world wouldn't miss me... i just keep going

thanks for listening to my ramble

[fan of fanboys]

Well, I will start by saying I think doing something is great. Something to look forward to, that'll challenge mind, direct your thoughts. You chose college courses which is great.

I will also say your husband, asking what's wrong, are you sure, etc was very much well-intentioned and acted naturally but as you know and maybe he knows now, it is not the best thing to say to someone with an issue. It makes things worse, not better.I am sure not his intention but he needs to find a better approach. This process is hard on him I am sure because he feels helpless on many levels. As a man, a husband, a provider, and a person.

You seem to be aware of your current state and working to improve it. Excellent and amazing.

Things that may help you and maybe worth a try:

Spend time outdoors, especially away from buildings, concrete, and cars. Nature has a way of helping with stress and depression and mental imbalance. Hikes or camping or whatever is avail to you.

Find a hobby. You are off to great start with enrolling in classes. And depending how much time that takes it might be enough for now. But having some hobby, or two, would be a great way to fill in other dead time you may have. Something you've always wanted to try or maybe something you never thought of. Knife making, leather work, wood whittling, paracord bracelets, etc. Something that is low stress, time consuming, can start and stop as you please, and that you will have a tangible reward at the end. I find creating things to be good for the soul.

This one may not work for you, legality aside, but smoke a joint or eat a special brownie. Does not have to be an everyday thing but occasional herbal relaxant might help. I find it is great hour or so before bed, once all my adult responsibilities are complete. A little bit and them some funny tv ad a great night of sleep. Again, you might not dig it but if you are open it could be worth a try.

Spend time breaking your routine. If you go for daily walks then go to new neighborhood few times a week; more if schedule allows. Spend less time sitting at home and more time breaking the normal monotony of your current schedule.

Whether you ignore or follow any advice I feebly offer it seems like you are at least on the path forward. And that alone is something to celebrate.

[janedoe]

That's great that you signed up for the course!

My concern for you is that the meds aren't working. These things should kick in within a few months and changed if they don't. Having been severely clinically depressed twice I know that the body gets into that rut and can't necessarily get out on its own. Do you like your doctor? Meds aren't one size fits all. I was on four total, had an allergic reaction to two and the third didn't work at all. The fourth was the ticket and I was only on it for a year and half.

It sounds like you are doing great. Please don't worry about your usefulness and whether or not you're interesting. You are. You've probably just lost perspective. It's hard for a depressed person to see herself objectively.

Take care and all good thoughts.

[POPTOP]

I have a tendency toward depression. Sometimes everything is overwhelming and I get into a rut of not doing anything. Since my parent's deaths, it's been a struggle. DD's divorce has also gotten me upset. I think I'm coming out of that rut now. At times I have to absolutely push myself to get out. Like yesterday, took Archie down to the marina early in the morning. It was so beautiful and peaceful, Archie was so good, I came home refreshed. I've also gotten busy with a new quilt.

Like your DH, my DH has been a fabulous support.

So glad you are going to class. It may seem like a struggle right now, but once you get involved with something you obviously love, it will help.

Sending you support.

Do talk with your doctor, it may be that another medication or combo may do the trick.

[kelsyg]

I am sorry you are going through such a rough time. It does seem that you are making good changes and are optimistic that you will get through this. It is great that your husband is there for you.
I agree with Poptop that you meds may need to be reevaluated. Getting the right medication combo can be life changing, so let your Psychiatrist know if something isn't working so he can try something else.
Wishing you the best.

[julia]

I'm sorry to read this, and I can identify with your struggle. Seriously, I used to shut my office door at work and cry every day. I also agree with the advice that has been written above.

My issues were more anxiety related, and I had to try several different medications before I found what worked with tolerable side effects. What sucks is that I want to have kids, but don't want to risk hurting the baby by having to take antidepressants while pregnant. For obvious reasons it's hard to properly study the impact of SSRIs on fetuses. If your medication is not helping you, you may want to consider trying a different med or combination. Talk therapy was never very effective for me, however I found that mindfulness-based meditation was helpful.
Mindfulness (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I also sympathize with confusing/scaring/being angry at my husband when I was depressed. When someone has never experienced mental illness, it can be very hard for them to relate.

Anyway, I think it's fantastic you're trying a new program. For me, depression and anxiety fed off my routine, and breaking that routine seemed to "reset" my way of thinking. New school might be just what you need, and you should be proud you took the first step. From your post, you clearly have great fortitude. Be gentle with yourself if you can.

[LuckyLuna]

I don't have any additional suggestions beyond what has been so expertly offered in the earlier posts. I just want to add that I understand it can seem like a long lonely journey to get to a better place. Take advantage of all the support around you and I hope that the first class will excite you enough to make your life seem more manageable and that things will get batter again. Take care.

[krosen]

I'm sorry to read this, and I can identify with your struggle. Seriously, I used to shut my office door at work and cry every day. I also agree with the advice that has been written above.

My issues were more anxiety related, and I had to try several different medications before I found what worked with tolerable side effects. What sucks is that I want to have kids, but don't want to risk hurting the baby by having to take antidepressants while pregnant. For obvious reasons it's hard to properly study the impact of SSRIs on fetuses. If your medication is not helping you, you may want to consider trying a different med or combination. Talk therapy was never very effective for me, however I found that mindfulness-based meditation was helpful.
Mindfulness (psychology) - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I also sympathize with confusing/scaring/being angry at my husband when I was depressed. When someone has never experienced mental illness, it can be very hard for them to relate.

Anyway, I think it's fantastic you're trying a new program. For me, depression and anxiety fed off my routine, and breaking that routine seemed to "reset" my way of thinking. New school might be just what you need, and you should be proud you took the first step. From your post, you clearly have great fortitude. Be gentle with yourself if you can.

Just wanted to let you know that I had 2 children before my panic attacks began and I wound up on antidepressants. My gynecologist said to get off them when I got pregnant with my 3rd child, my family doctor said "No, it would do more harm that good if you had continuous panic attacks while pregnant and there is no evidence that they do any harm to fetuses." so I took my antidepressants throughout my pregnancy and while breastfeeding(although I only breastfed for about a month), and my son is perfectly fine. Please don't let antidepressants stop you from having a child.

[Maxx&Emma]

I differ from anxiety myself, I know how very debilitating it can be. It sounds like you have yourself on a good path and obviously your DH is a great support, that is so very important. Sending you lots of positive energy, sometimes just talking about things helps more than anything although an evaluation of your meds may be a good idea. ((((hugs)))))

[ZRabbits]

Yes, depression does suck. Think everyone has a touch of it now and then. You have a great "home base" source of strength through your husband. Hang in there. Have dark days myself, but don't like doctors (have very big reasons for this), forget meds (hate what it's done to some) so we are both relying on ourselves and the huge promise we made our Son to keep moving forward. Rabbits have been a huge help (better than any meds) and hoping pup can help get rid of some funk (get us both outside more). Know it will never go away, because our Son is gone forever, but there are ways to beat back that depression cloud and keep that most important promise to Henry.

KAZ