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  1. #1
    Senior Dog Jeff's Avatar
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    So What should you do vs what I would do and what I would want other people to do to me

    So, I am rather blunt at times. When I see or notice something wrong I like to bring it to attention in hopes of getting it fixed. Jane Doe's post about her neighbor brings up something with my neighbor.

    So I think I have may have mentioned this before, I have a neighbor, sweet lady, she was there and long retired when I moved in. She is single, lives alone, takes care of herself and her house and everything. No concerns there. She is in her 80's now and well I am noticing things wrong with her mentally. For example she may see me working in the yard and talk to me, she will ask me the exact same thing or things she asked me the day before with no recolection at all she asked me the same thing.

    For example a conversation 2 days ago, I got a new air conditioner and furnace this year at the end of May. Which she knew about. She was home and we talked about it as it was getting installed. Yesterday, she asked me how my air conditioner was holding out cause it sure has been hot. Which I told her, oh its doing awesome, ever since I got the new one it is really doing great. First thinking she was just asking how the new one was doing. She is like oh yeah that's right I forgot you got a new one. Ok chalk it up to forgetful memory, I don't always remember changes other people do to their houses. So last night I see her outside when Hemi and I were out. First thing she asks me, how is my air conditioner holding out, because it sure has been hot. Which I reminde her again that I got the new one and it is doing great. Which she says oh yeah I forgot. Totally oblivious that we just has this conversations the day before.

    This is not the only time, I am beginning to have these repeated conversations with her once in a while and have been for the last year. She has always been very sharp and bright. However, I notice other things like things she once told me about my house, her house was the first house in the neighborhood so she seen all the other houses being built, knew or known everyone in the neighborhood and all their kids. She could tell me exactly when trees were planted and when my Garage was added on etc. We were talking again this last weekend and she had totally forgot I was the 3rd owner of the house, not the second. A few years ago, she could tell me the first owners name and all the kids name and so on. last weekend she had totally forgot they ever existed.

    So well anyway she is beginning to have some brain problems. Ok, Dementia, Alzheimer, I don't know but something is up. I do not know her children, they live in Michigan but not in the city, I know she goes to visit them and so on. I have met them but I see them maybe once a year if that. My first thought would be to bring up my concerns with them then let them handle it. Just to let them know I am really noticing something going off. However, that's not really an option as I don't know when I will see them next.

    So what should I do. Do you bring it up with her directly. I mean I would want someone to tell me if they seriously thought I was loosing my mind. I would then bring it up to my doctor and we could see and go from there or do you just wait until I do see the family and then bring it up with them? Not sure what to do in this situation.

  2. #2
    Senior Dog smartrock's Avatar
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    Family would be the first folks I'd try to contact, if that's at all possible. If she has one member who she seems particularly close to, I'd try for that one. I wonder if you asked whether she'd give you a name and contact phone number for a family member, you know, "Gosh, Mabel, if anything was to happen to you, I'd like to be able to get in touch with a family member, since they don't live close by. Would you feel comfortable giving me the name and phone number of whoever you'd like called if something was to happen?" Who knows, it might work, or you might learn of someone else you don't know about who is watching out for her.

    If you can't identify anyone who she knows that you could call, perhaps your local Adult Protective Services could do a wellness check. They might have some leverage to get family involved if it seems needed. If her family is pissed that APS was called, well, you'd have called them if you'd known how to get hold of them, wouldn't you?

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  4. #3
    Real Retriever BogeyBaby's Avatar
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    That's gotta be hard since you don't know how to get a hold of her family. Could you talk to you other neighbors to see if any of them have her family contacts? Perhaps one of them goes back farther than you and knows her children. I don't know that speaking directly to her would be a benefit as she'd probably forget the conversation.

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  6. #4
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    You're a good person, Jeff....but we already knew that.

    I'm with smartrock on this...see if you can get her to tell you a relative's name/contact info. If she gives you information, it'll probably be for someone she feels closer to and might not mind having check on her.

    She's lucky you're her neighbor!

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  8. #5
    Senior Dog Snowshoe's Avatar
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    This is a very hard situation, my OH has it now with a friend of a friend. Unfortunately the man is on the outs with his nearby family but close neighbours look out for him. Thank God he has stopped driving but they had to take his car keys and remove them till they could actually remove the cars as well. Other than contacting her family driving is one place you may be able to make an anonymous intervention. If the lady is still driving and is doing so erratically or dangerously you could simply report her. And hope if tests are required they will show if there is a concern and maybe family or other authorities can step in. It sounds like pretty mild memory loss at this point though. Does Michigan require driver retesting at 80 as Ontario does?
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  10. #6
    Senior Dog janedoe's Avatar
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    I agree with the Adult Protective Services route. They can do routine checks and get her relatives' information. They can make sure she gets medical care if necessary. She may well appreciate the company as well.

    I would strongly advise against bringing it up with her. Anxiety worsens the situation exponentially. Don't ever correct her either. Just act normally around her even if you're answering the same question or hearing the same story fifty times. It's the kindest thing to do.

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  12. #7
    Senior Dog SamsonsMom's Avatar
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    Awww, bless her heart. This could be me later on in my life. I often think about stuff like this. Is she a member of a church? Have you ever noticed visitors? If so, maybe reach out to the church to see if they can help? Talk to a visitor? Google is very useful too. You can Google her name and it will give you results of anyone connected to her (typically family). Then use Facebook, LinkedIn, etc. to try and locate them? You can check the auditor's website for personal property info. Maybe it will have another person on her deed? If I were in her shoes, I would be devastated if someone called protective services on me. I'm so proud, strong, etc. I'd feel like it was the end of my life. Maybe I think about this stuff too much. lol I wonder if she has the "Help I've fallen and can't get up" device? I guess it would be difficult to bring that topic up.

    You are an awesome person for checking on her. And whatever route you choose, protective services or not, you are doing so with concern and care in your heart and that is awesome! Keep us posted on how it goes.

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  14. #8
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    I don't think bringing it up with her would do any good. As others mentioned she will most likely forget or it will make it worse. I like the idea of talking to other neighbors. If it is a close knit community all of you looking out for her would help her out a lot. When I was traveling to visit my mom, I rarely saw the neighbors because our schedules didn't sync up so if you can also your other neighbors to keep an eye out for when her family or friends visit that will increase the odds of "seeing them" and telling them you want to talk to them about her behavior and your concerns.

    Sounds like you have a good relationship with her so asking for a contact number just in case something happens would be a good approach. If you get the impression your "concern" isn't necessary, I would use the fact you are single and you'll like her to give her a contact for your too.

    Also so as JaneDie said, keep the conversations in the moment regardless of the repetition.

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  16. #9
    Senior Dog Snowshoe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SamsonsMom View Post
    . lol I wonder if she has the "Help I've fallen and can't get up" device?
    OK, I have to tell you a funny story. My Mum had one of those and she set it off by accident while clipping her hedge one day. The monitoring company could not reach me or my sister so paramedics were dispatched. They found Mum at the end of her yard, back to them, happily clipping away. Did I mention the clippers were the electric ones that look like a little chain saw? And that Mum was Very deaf? Who wants to approach, and possibly startle, a deaf old lady with a chain saw in her hands?
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  18. #10
    Senior Dog SamsonsMom's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Snowshoe View Post
    OK, I have to tell you a funny story. My Mum had one of those and she set it off by accident while clipping her hedge one day. The monitoring company could not reach me or my sister so paramedics were dispatched. They found Mum at the end of her yard, back to them, happily clipping away. Did I mention the clippers were the electric ones that look like a little chain saw? And that Mum was Very deaf? Who wants to approach, and possibly startle, a deaf old lady with a chain saw in her hands?
    Oh my goodness! Just the luck.

 



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