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  1. #51
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    I get it. I have a mother in law who is exhausting to deal with, and it got a whole lot worse after our son was born 5 years ago. Big things, little things, everything became an issue, usually in some sort of passive aggressive poor-me kind of way. Simple things like saying no ice cream tonight, or early bed time tonight because he is overtired, and her reaction could be like we just told her the world is ending, and it is our fault. It’s much worse for my wife, as I can usually ignore everything, while my wife is the one receiving texts, emails, and voicemails about whatever is the latest issue. It can be something small that she simmers on for days, and then she blows up at my wife out of the blue, and there is no reasoning with her. She is right. We are wrong. Always.

    Now, as bad as that sounds for us, she is a big part of our son’s life and we encourage the relationship between them. He genuinely adores her, and the two of them really do have a lot of silly fun together. He has sleepovers with her to give us a night away (what couple doesn’t jump at that opportunity?!?!), and while she usually does not stick to the bedtimes or rules that we expect at home, he is safe and happy (if not tired) when we see him in the morning.

    Bottom line for us, figure out what is important and what is not. It’s better to be silently annoyed or inconvenienced for a couple hours, than to create conflict that can drag on for days or weeks or longer. As between the two, I can tell you there is no comparison as to which is worse. I can ignore it, by my wife cannot, and that affects all of us.

    For important issues, be on a united front with your spouse (always!). If we put our foot down, it is both of our feet hitting the ground, and that’s it. If feelings are hurt because of that, oh well, but now when we take a stand on something it is more meaningful, and not perceived as us imposing some inconsequential rule just because.

    My wife and I both wish that her Mom was easier to deal with. But we’re not going to change her. And we’re not going to cut her out of our lives. So we work with what we got and do the best we can.

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  3. #52
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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie'sdad View Post
    I get it. I have a mother in law who is exhausting to deal with, and it got a whole lot worse after our son was born 5 years ago. Big things, little things, everything became an issue, usually in some sort of passive aggressive poor-me kind of way. Simple things like saying no ice cream tonight, or early bed time tonight because he is overtired, and her reaction could be like we just told her the world is ending, and it is our fault. It’s much worse for my wife, as I can usually ignore everything, while my wife is the one receiving texts, emails, and voicemails about whatever is the latest issue. It can be something small that she simmers on for days, and then she blows up at my wife out of the blue, and there is no reasoning with her. She is right. We are wrong. Always.

    Now, as bad as that sounds for us, she is a big part of our son’s life and we encourage the relationship between them. He genuinely adores her, and the two of them really do have a lot of silly fun together. He has sleepovers with her to give us a night away (what couple doesn’t jump at that opportunity?!?!), and while she usually does not stick to the bedtimes or rules that we expect at home, he is safe and happy (if not tired) when we see him in the morning.

    Bottom line for us, figure out what is important and what is not. It’s better to be silently annoyed or inconvenienced for a couple hours, than to create conflict that can drag on for days or weeks or longer. As between the two, I can tell you there is no comparison as to which is worse. I can ignore it, by my wife cannot, and that affects all of us.

    For important issues, be on a united front with your spouse (always!). If we put our foot down, it is both of our feet hitting the ground, and that’s it. If feelings are hurt because of that, oh well, but now when we take a stand on something it is more meaningful, and not perceived as us imposing some inconsequential rule just because.

    My wife and I both wish that her Mom was easier to deal with. But we’re not going to change her. And we’re not going to cut her out of our lives. So we work with what we got and do the best we can.


    great post.

  4. #53
    Senior Dog WhoopsaDaisy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by charlie'sdad View Post
    I get it. I have a mother in law who is exhausting to deal with, and it got a whole lot worse after our son was born 5 years ago. Big things, little things, everything became an issue, usually in some sort of passive aggressive poor-me kind of way. Simple things like saying no ice cream tonight, or early bed time tonight because he is overtired, and her reaction could be like we just told her the world is ending, and it is our fault. It’s much worse for my wife, as I can usually ignore everything, while my wife is the one receiving texts, emails, and voicemails about whatever is the latest issue. It can be something small that she simmers on for days, and then she blows up at my wife out of the blue, and there is no reasoning with her. She is right. We are wrong. Always.

    Now, as bad as that sounds for us, she is a big part of our son’s life and we encourage the relationship between them. He genuinely adores her, and the two of them really do have a lot of silly fun together. He has sleepovers with her to give us a night away (what couple doesn’t jump at that opportunity?!?!), and while she usually does not stick to the bedtimes or rules that we expect at home, he is safe and happy (if not tired) when we see him in the morning.

    Bottom line for us, figure out what is important and what is not. It’s better to be silently annoyed or inconvenienced for a couple hours, than to create conflict that can drag on for days or weeks or longer. As between the two, I can tell you there is no comparison as to which is worse. I can ignore it, by my wife cannot, and that affects all of us.

    For important issues, be on a united front with your spouse (always!). If we put our foot down, it is both of our feet hitting the ground, and that’s it. If feelings are hurt because of that, oh well, but now when we take a stand on something it is more meaningful, and not perceived as us imposing some inconsequential rule just because.

    My wife and I both wish that her Mom was easier to deal with. But we’re not going to change her. And we’re not going to cut her out of our lives. So we work with what we got and do the best we can.
    Agree!! Well said.
    Katie and Aric (7/1/17) Hidden Content
    Whoops-a-Daisy B. 1-26-13 Gotcha 8-25-13
    Jett B 8-17-17, Gotcha 10-7-17




    “Once you have had a wonderful dog, a life without one, is a life diminished.”
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  5. #54
    Best Friend Retriever OHfemail's Avatar
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    My paternal grandparents were such an important part of my life. Unfortunately, my grandma didn't care for my mom, so she was pretty critical of her. As I got older, I lost my tolerance for that, and distanced myself. To this day, I regret being such a s^*t to grandma in the angst of my teen years. While I didn't always want to visit, she tried her best to make me feel special when I was there. Please try not to let your feelings for you MIL influence your daughter - she'll miss out on so much that only a grandparent can provide.

  6. #55
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    Being a grandparent isn't an automatic free pass, though. I don't abide by the "well, I'm the grandparent, so..." bs. Some grandparents are not particularly nice, can be insanely divisive, and overall a pita to deal with. We have one that openly plays favorites b/t our kids. Sorry, I do not stand for that. I feel the relationship has to be a positive 2-way street.

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  8. #56
    Senior Dog MontananDakota's Avatar
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    Exactly. Not a free pass to just show up to take my dd somewhere without letting me know/asking me 1st. I am not inhibiting their relationship by expecting to be asked in advance. I appreciate that you all took the time to reply but I feel like I haven't really been "heard" here. I do not want to keep my dd form a loving relationship with her grandparents at all and I do not allow my feeling towards my MIL ( although I do love her even though she's never allowed me to be me ) to interfere with my dd's feelings towards her grandparents. I do appreciate them but I can appreciate them and still want my space at the same time. I never ever said I didn't want them to spend time together. Never said anything like that. I simply said I wished that they would ask me 1st-she is my dd and we have not ever had that kind of relationship where they'd show up & take her. We've just not been that way. Just a phoen call & say hey do you have anything planned for next Sat.? we'd like to see her...
    playing favorites huh? my in laws do that too-they favor my dd. It isn't right. I agree with you.

 



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